We had been in the same class at school. There were no other girls in our part of the village and we got on well enough. By the 47fourth form her shape already attracted everyone’s gaze. Nothing much seemed to grow on my body.

What had started as breast cancer had spread to other organs and finally ended up in the brain. Teddies holding cards with bestwishes powerhugs and thinkingaboutyous were lined up along the length of the bed as if hordes of wellmeaning visitors had wanted to comfort her with a teddy. She shifted a little when I sat down on the chair next to her bed.

Katarina I said and realised that she responded to my voice. Katarina it’s me jana. Do you remember me.

Of course I remember you she said drowsily. We siphoned wine from my dad’s gallon container. And then you went off with my boyfriend whatever his name was.

Magnus I said. Magnusstålnacke. His parents were from gällivare. We kept teasing him for his accent until he was fourteen and grew taller than anyone else and really goodlooking.

Hunkymagnus katarina said. He married tony’s sis after you left but perhaps you knew that.

I didn’t steal your boyfriend I told her but by then she was asleep again. I checked the list to find out what I was expected to help her with and looked around in the room. The oxygen cylinders and drip stands were alien to my limited notions of homecare. I didn’t intend to touch any of that unless absolutely necessary.

But the necessity came soon enough. Katarina woke moaning with pain. Morphine she said. Fuck’s sake gimme morphine.

Help me I said. I don’t know what to do.

Take that syringe and push it in there. She pointed to her arm where a stump of a plastic tube with a lid seemed to be held in place with layers of tape. 48

There was a syringe on the table but what if she hadn’t got it right. On the other hand what if she was right and I didn’t allow her something to relieve her pain. I took the syringe inserted it under the lid and injected a few millimetres of fluid.

All of it she gabbled. The whole load of shit do it.

That was all she got round to saying before unconsciousness took over. Or sleep or whatever her state of mind should be called.

A key rattled in the door and a woman came in. She moved quickly to the bedside.

Hi she said. I’m Monica. The nurse. I’m here to deal with katarina’s pain. Sorry to be a little late.

I stayed where I was on the chair and she bent over the bedside table to scrutinise the syringe.