I used the office toilet. Washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror for some time. My face looked the way it used to but somehow not. What I had felt at the sawmill gradually vanished and john’s hands on my body came back. There was something about him that I couldn’t refuse. I took a selfie in the mirror and sent it. There was never a reply.

The following day at seven o’clock on the dot I was seated in the meeting room with my new workmates. I recognised some of them from my last years at school.

The talk was going as usual. The weekend had been extralong with an added day off. Family demands mixed with leisure. As usual whenever family life came up as a subject I had nothing to contribute. Manless childless and contextless that was me. I listened aimlessly and politely until the first questions came my way.

Often they were just statements.

You are your brother’s twin sister aren’t you? Yes that’s right.

You’re very alike. True. You live together on the home farm. Now we do.

You went off to live down south before. Yes and then up north. 43

The q&a session was interrupted by märitljungqvist clapping her hands to get our attention.

Be careful out there she said. It reminded me of a police drama but I couldn’t remember what it was called. In a way she sounded sweet. But annoying as well.

The first name on my list belonged to somebody I knew. Ingelahansson. She was in bed and I used my key to get in. She called out hello when I stepped inside. Hello I answered this is jana from the homecarers.

Jana. I only know one jana and she moved down south years ago. She went to the same class as katarina. My little katarina. They had their babies at the same time as I recall.

Hi I said and sat down on the chair by her bed so she could have her fill of looking at me.

Is it really you jana she said with a sob in her voice touching me as if to make sure that I was truly there.

Yes I said it’s me.

You haven’t changed. You’re like your dad. How’s he doing our erik.

Well enough I said thinking of how excellently it suited him to lie in a coffin. How’re you doing yourself. It says here you have broken your hip.

I was just going to change the curtains.

Let’s see she said and pulled the quilt back. The old lady was lying on wet sheets. Her nappy was neatly folded next to her. She patted it and said look it’s nice and dry. It ain’t right for an old person to put on a nappy and in her own home as well.