And to yourself I said. And to mother. And the animals. What they call crime passionnel is surely supposed to be motivated by jealousy.

Precisely bror said. But then they found traces of semen and it wasn’t mine.

Whose then I asked. Whose do you think he asked as he was placing wineglasses exactly opposite each other. And then another thing happened he said. He called at the house. 287

Do you mean john I asked.

Yes who else. And he was furious. Furious that you had something going with maria.

Right. He made a huge row. Screamed that there were too many useless fucking fools who didn’t understand that maria was ill.

Was she though I asked. I knew she became psychotic after petra was born but that was years earlier.

I didn’t know that bror said and looked surprised. I had believed it was john who went off his head when petra was born. That’s what maria said anyway. It was so bad she didn’t dare leave the baby alone with him.

There I was again. Caught between one man’s story contradicting the other’s. And me in the middle trying to judge which story was true. Caught between two pissheads with memory deficits.

John pushed me up against the wall and shouted you leave maria fucking well alone.

And that you remember clearly despite being sodden with booze all the time I said.

Yes I do. Oddly enough.

Or do you remember that episode because it lets you escape the guilt.

He thought for a while.

That could well be he said. Perhaps I did kill maria. Whether I did or not is one thing. At the time I wished her dead. Things happen.

We had to stop talking because there was a knock on the door. My mates from work came pouring into the house. They had crowded into a couple of minibuses that would come and collect them after the party. 288

We all rose to drink a toast to the evening ahead. Then bror went to the kitchen to put the final touches to the food.

Märitljungqvist gave a short speech. Said it made her happy to see that I had found my way back home again.

It could be that I was the only one to notice the effort it cost her to keep her balance.

Bror was another one with a balance problem. He carried serving dishes and gravy boats with his eyes fixed on the edges of rugs as if negotiating a pavement.

When we met on the way in and out of the kitchen I would try to make eye contact with him and send a telepathic message that he was to go easy. He pretended to be deaf and blind. Had clearly made up his mind to drink and didn’t want any interference.

What a very nice place eva said looking around our oldfashioned bestroom.