If you are hard on yourself how can you go easy with others.

Can’t you pick something more cheerful I asked him. It’s for a party after all.

He looked blankly at me. What’s wrong with these he said.

Nothing. Except that they’re a bit gloomy.

I think they’re comforting he said. Mother had a feeling for messages.

Actually I suppose it’s the people who wrote in the bible who had the feeling I said. But she was terrific at embroidery.

We bickered about this for a while. I laid the table with the kippochina. That was mother’s word for our blueandwhite china 284that was only taken out for special celebrations. Christmas mid-summer their wedding day.

Let us walk in the light of the lord. Do not fear for I am with you.

Such days were days of father raging and getting drunk. Just as I had toyed with the idea of seeing the byre burn I felt tempted to break the kippochina plate by plate.

Pointless bror said. We’d keep remembering all the same. Every time we realise there’s no good party china the memories will come back.

He placed the two last embroideries on either side of the silver candlesticks.

I’ve been thinking about what the minister said about forgiveness I said. Should one really forgive father.

Bror arranged the cutlery with military precision. Took his time to reply.

No he finally said. Not father. I know all about his childhood but that is no excuse. Just as I have no excuse for my behaviour towards emelie.

What really happened to her I asked.

I beat her he said holding the lighter to one of the seven candles in the chandelier. Our eyes met seeing though the flame.

First I hit her and then I was unfaithful to her. When she heard that I had been with maria and wanted to leave me I hit her again. The women’s clinic helped her to move out. I expected a police charge but nothing happened. She probably couldn’t bear facing me.

He sounded factual and unsentimental. Why did you hit her I asked.

To make her stop talking. You know what she was like. Complained all the time. Never content. The first beating was 285at christmas. There was a cured herring starter and I was already pissed. Maybe had taken something else as well. Can’t remember. I came to a few hours later. Emelie was sitting in the kitchen knitting. When I saw her bruised swollen cheek and cracked lip I couldn’t grasp at first that I had done it. It was as if mother were sitting there with her embroidery. I went to her intending to comfort her but she pushed me away. Don’t touch me she said. You’re never to touch me ever again.

And was that how things were left.