There was a dog kennel in the yard just as when you were a child. I think it collapsed a few years ago. They didn’t have a dog but used it for punishments. Our erik especially was most often 236chained up there. He had a weird gift for getting himself into trouble. It could happen that he spent days on end with the dog chain round his neck. On bread and water like a prisoner.

But when I arrived your gran’s rancour became directed at me instead of erik. I was small ugly and of no proper use. As if made for being tormented.

One day a neighbour dropped by. I had been chained to the kennel for several days. They might have forgotten that I was there. I had been told to crawl into the dogshed and hide if someone came visiting but that day I had fallen asleep outside. I had been whining for water and something to eat but nobody heard me. In the end I forgot everything and slept or maybe fainted.

I woke when someone was removing the chain. I was lifted up. Angry voices were buzzing like wasps. Your gran stood on the veranda hollering. The wee hare belonged to her by law. She threatened with the police.

The boy stays with me from now on eskilbrännström said. Then he carried me all the way downhill to his house. Not that I weighed many kilos but still. He smelled of byre and snuff.

Eskilbrännström was not tenderhearted but he was honest. My foster mother was a gentle and kind woman. She sewed clothes for me. I was even given shoes of the right size. Above all I had a big brother. He seemed a divine being to me. I worshipped him and followed him about like a shadow. We shared a room. We each had a bed with a bedside table between us. He taught me to read and write. At bedtime we said a prayer together kneeling at his bed. I wondered how god could be good since he allowed the mistress at kippo to live and my mum to die.

You’re not to blame god he said. Whoever is beaten will go on to beat up others. 237

I asked how I would turn out in that case and he thought for a long time before answering.

The choice is up to you he said finally. Who you are is for you to decide.

Adam must have been wise well beyond his years I said. John nodded.

There is much to say about adam but that’s enough for now. What has been will never come back.

Except in your paintings I said. That’s different he replied.

Father did the same thing to bror I said. Locked the dogchain round his neck and let him lie there. And then he shot the puppy.

Was that when you stabbed him with the hayfork john asked.