My fans will ask what’s next after this. Now that my life has come crashing down around me, how will I pick myself up and get back to the world of books that I love so much? Right now, the only answer I can think of is … nothing. Nothing is next for me. Nothing but the hurt I deserve to feel. I can’t see past it, and I don’t want to, because that would mean moving on from Aria. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to meet someone else, but she is tattooed on my heart. It doesn’t matter how much it beats or for how long, the tattoo will always be there, even if it’s faded.

I know it’s over, and the only thing I care about now is making sure she knows she was the love of my life. It’s not a plea for her to come back. As much as I want that, I desire more for her to be happy the rest of her life, and for her to know what she meant to me. If I never see her again, I’ll gladly spend the rest of my days pining over her, wishing I’d never done what I did, as long as she knows how much I love her.

By the time I finish Right of the Slash, I’m heartbroken. Unlike anything else Nas has written, his main character doesn’t end up with the woman of his dreams. Even when translated to “fiction,” Nas still wasn’t able to write a happy ending to what happened between us. Nixon Brooks ends up alone, while Aria goes on to find a man that makes her happy enough to accept his proposal for marriage, and the book ends with Nixon standing in the back of the newlywed couple’s wedding reception. He makes eye contact with Aria as her new husband gives a toast to celebrate the ascendance of their relationship, before walking out of the event into the darkness alone. It’s a tragedy, and I find myself sniffling as tears trickle down my face against my will.

I close the binder and toss it onto the cushion next to me before leaning back and staring at it. How the hell am I supposed to react to that? The love of his life? Nas was—is in love with me? Do I love him? Will he really never write again? Did he truly have all of those feelings for me the entire time we dated? If so, why didn’t he express them?