By the time I’m finished with the chapter, my heart feels like it’s beating for the first time. It races with every thought of Nas, because this novel explains his words better than he did in person. I was so furious when I saw the previous novel he was writing that I wasn’t willing to listen to anything he had to say about his feelings for me. But Nas is a profoundly gifted writer, and his thoughts are pure on this printed page. I’m addicted to his ability to spill his blood, bearing it all for the world to see, and I can’t believe this is what he wants them to see. This novel isn’t about us, it is us.

After hours of reading, it’s two o’clock in the morning and I’m wide awake. I’m tipsy, to say the least, but I’m still immersed in Right of the Slash. As I reach the end of the book, I’m torn apart by Nas’s words when he describes the pain he felt when I found the novel he had scrapped. For two whole pages, he talks about the things he wanted to say that he couldn’t, because he felt like talking over my anger would be disrespectful. That moment wasn’t the same for him as the moment he shared with Monica. With me, Nas didn’t want to use the NDA as a shield to protect himself from repercussions. He wanted to feel the brunt of my rage, and he was willing to accept the possibility of me going public with what I knew because fame didn’t matter to him anymore. He didn’t care if I ruined his career, because he knew he royally fucked up, and giving up his career would be the perfect penance. How strongly must he have felt for me if he was ready to give up a lucrative career as a famous author out of guilt and remorse over hurting me?

I deserve to be alone. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t love the women I wrote about before I met Aria. None of them deserved to have their lives written about without their permission, and exploiting them that way makes me a fucking asshole who isn’t worthy of the love that Aria brought into my life. So, now that she’s gone, I accept my fate. I welcome my daily pain because it’s what I deserve, while constantly hoping that someone out there can give Aria the love she deserves. Like I told her before, she is a queen, and she has all of the power over me, even now.