“I know you guys make fun of me a lot,” I start, “but what I get from BDSM isn’t something I can find just anywhere. Nas was a real Dominant, and I’m a real submissive. He was a legitimate sadist and I’m a real masochist, and without him, things are complicated. I wouldn't even be able to say this out loud if it wasn’t for him. I’m not thinking about calling him or anything, but I severely miss the dynamic. It’s the kind of thing you can’t come back from once you’ve gone there. It’s fucked up because I’m starting to feel like I need him.”

“No, it doesn’t have to be him,” DeShaun says quickly. “I’m sure there are lots of Doms out there.”

“That’s the problem, there really isn’t. What there are a lot of is guys who think Jamie Dornan made being a Dom look easy. There’s plenty of guys who want to control and demean women, but they do it out of spite for their mothers or their real hatred for women, not out of love. The world is full of assholes claiming to be ‘alpha males’, who are actually just pricks. They don’t even know the difference. Nas … he was the real deal.”

DeShaun shakes his head, his brain still trying to compute how I could talk about Nas like this after what he did. “What made him so special that he’s the only guy who can do what he did?”

“He knew how to hurt and degrade me in all the ways I wanted it, but could then flip a switch and lay with me in bed for hours while I put myself back together after he destroyed me. A Dom has to be both sides of the coin—aggressive, controlling, menacing, and forceful on one side, while being loving, caring, tender, and protective on the other. It’s hard to find all of those attributes combined in one man.”

“Damn, then get it from multiple men,” DeShaun says, half joking, half serious. “Girl, you need to go out there and date. Don’t commit to anybody and get all of that shit from a multitude of boys. Hell, that’s what I would do.”

We share a chuckle, but my smile doesn’t reach my eyes. “I understand what you’re saying, but that’s just not what I want. I’m a submissive who wants a Dom. Anything other than that and I’m just settling.”