A half an hour passed in this way, Father Thomas asking me questions and me answering to the best of my ability. His opinion of me had always mattered greatly—how could it not when I’d been so desperately in love with him—and so I was careful not to do or say anything that might make him think less of me. When it was time for me to leave, he rose and walked around to my side of the desk.

The pregnancy made me awkward and slow, and so I’d only just managed to leverage myself out of the chair when he reached me. Before I could turn, he stepped forward and enveloped me in a hug. I will never forget the expression on his face, the way it changed from one of affection to confusion and then horror, when he realized what my swollen belly pressed against him meant. I still burn with shame to recall it.

There were accusations and recriminations from all sides, and the fact that I wouldn’t reveal the name of the father only made it worse. The scandal was so big that not even the convent rules about silence could contain it. The other nuns’ whispers followed me everywhere I went.

“How old is she?”

“Only seventeen. Still a child herself.”

“Well, what did everyone expect? She’s only been a Catholic for a few years.”

“I heard she grew up as part of the Dutch Reformed Church. Barbaric people.”

One or two of the younger nuns looked at me with something akin to sympathy, and Sister Marguerite reached out one day to quickly squeeze my hand, but the rest of the sisters turned against me completely, comforting Father Thomas and the Reverend Mother.

“Don’t be too hard on yourselves for not seeing the Jezebel she is.”

“Her own mother took her for the virginity test just before she joined the convent.”

“Who could expect her to use her last week of freedom to rid herself of her virtue?”

It was Father Thomas who suggested to the Reverend Mother that while they had no choice but to excommunicate me, they should keep the baby and raise it in the convent. “This child deserves a chance at a good life. Let us not punish it for its mother’s sins,” he said. “She has let us down terribly, and no one feels more disappointed in her behavior and deceit than I, but surely this innocent child should not suffer for that?”

The Reverend Mother was moved enough by his mercy to agree to such an unusual arrangement.

The birth was a difficult one. I was in labor for close to forty-six hours. Two older nuns served as my midwives and seemed to rejoice in each second of my agony.

“This is God’s punishment for your sin,” the one reminded me as I panted through a haze of pain.