“The fourth and fifth miscarriages were with my second husband, Jacques, when I was twenty-nine and then thirty-one. The last one was really bad, and I almost bled to death, and so that was it. No more pregnancies.” She’d been reciting the information in a dry, factual voice but then it cracked. “The thing is, I’d never felt as complete as I did for those few weeks of each of my pregnancies. It was like I’d had this gaping hole inside me my whole life that was suddenly filled.”

I inhaled sharply, surprised. “That’s exactly how I felt when I entered the convent. Like God completed me.”

“Maybe we’re all born with that piece of us missing and our life’s journey is about finding it. Finding that one thing that makes us whole,” Ruth said.

“It’s dangerous, though. That belief that something can complete you.”

“No, it’s not. It’s what keeps us going, don’t you see that?”

“Mandla isn’t going to complete you, Ruth. And I told you months ago that I wanted no part of this,” I said quietly. “I told you I couldn’t be around a baby, but you’ve given me no choice in the matter.”

“And you gave me no choice but to bring him here. I’m just trying to make the best of a bad situation, Dee. Why do you always have to be so negative? If you give him a chance, you just may grow to love him.”

“Exactly,” I said before I could stop myself. “And what would the point of that be?”

We both knew what I meant: that Mandla was terminally ill and it was just a matter of time before he died. Why love someone who was guaranteed to break your heart?

Ruth went pale. “That’s the thing about love that you never understood. It doesn’t need a point.” I turned and just as I left the bathroom, she called, “Tell me, did it hurt less losing Daniel because you’d never let yourself fully love him in the first place?” When I didn’t reply, she said, “That’s what I thought.”

•   •   •

It took me a minute to figure out the source of the trilling noise because we hadn’t had a visitor since the security system had gone up. Jezebel barked madly, running around in circles as I went to the intercom. I shushed her and then pressed the button. “Yes, hello?”

“Delilah?”

“Yes?”

“It’s Riaan. I hope this isn’t a bad time. I thought I’d stop by to see how you are.”