BooksBarbecue
Back When I Lost You Save as PDF
Chapters (81)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Prologue
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-one
  26. Twenty-two
  27. Twenty-three
  28. Twenty-four
  29. Twenty-five
  30. Twenty-six
  31. Twenty-seven
  32. Twenty-eight
  33. Twenty-nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-one
  36. Thirty-two
  37. Thirty-three
  38. Thirty-four
  39. Thirty-five
  40. Thirty-six
  41. Thirty-seven
  42. Thirty-eight
  43. Thirty-nine
  44. Forty
  45. Forty-one
  46. Forty-two
  47. Forty-three
  48. Forty-four
  49. Forty-five
  50. Forty-six
  51. Forty-seven
  52. Forty-eight
  53. Forty-nine
  54. Fifty
  55. Fifty-one
  56. Fifty-two
  57. Fifty-three
  58. Fifty-four
  59. Fifty-five
  60. Fifty-six
  61. Fifty-seven
  62. Fifty-eight
  63. Fifty-nine
  64. Sixty
  65. Sixty-one
  66. Sixty-two
  67. Sixty-three
  68. Sixty-four
  69. Sixty-five
  70. Sixty-six
  71. Sixty-seven
  72. Epilogue
  73. Acknowledgments
  74. Read More
  75. Prologue
  76. One
  77. Two
  78. Three
  79. Four
  80. Follow Merilyn online
  81. Dedication

The breath left her, as if he’d hit her, and maybe it would have been easier if he had. Words wouldn’t come. She was floundering, drowning in all the words she wanted to say but which wouldn’t form.

‘I found these.’ His voice was steady, calm, but the hand picking up the pills was shaking. ‘What are they?’

Her anxiety turned into panic, thoughts running in all directions, none linear enough to make sense. How had he found them? Why had he been going through her bedroom drawer? Could she say that, turn it round to make it about him – how he had betrayed her trust?

Shame brought the thoughts to a halt. He had been betrayed, not her.

Carla searched Baz’s face for a clue as to what he was thinking, something to hang on to, a beginning. All she found was confusion and hurt.

Suddenly she remembered the case by the door and felt a punch of nausea. Why had he packed a bag? Was he leaving her?

When words finally formed, they tumbled out of her.

‘I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you, I really did, but the longer I took the harder it became. And I didn’t want to upset you by telling you I’m just not ready for a baby – not yet, I mean.’ She stopped. There, it was out, and despite the pain of seeing Baz so crushed, she couldn’t help but feel relief.

‘So it is the pill then, the contraceptive pill?’

‘I do want a baby, I just don’t want one yet. My job is going really well, I’m on a new team that’s starting to come together, and …’ She paused again, unsure how to go on, but then panic hit and she retched. Bending over close to the floor, she tried to regain her breath, to keep the vomit from coming, while Baz silently watched her.

When she finally looked up he threw the pills on the table next to three empty beer bottles. How long ago had he found them? How long had he been sitting here alone, wondering what he’d done to deserve such a betrayal?

‘But we’ve been trying, Carla, trying for a baby.’

His confusion made her chest constrict again.

‘We’ve been trying to make a baby and each month it hasn’t happened I’ve worried it’s me, that I’m not going to be able to give you the child you want, and yet all this time, all this time,’ he emphasised, ‘you knew that wasn’t true – none of it was true. And what does it mean?’ His voice rose. ‘That you never want a baby? Or is it just that you don’t want a baby with me?’