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Back When I Lost You Save as PDF
Chapters (81)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Prologue
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-one
  26. Twenty-two
  27. Twenty-three
  28. Twenty-four
  29. Twenty-five
  30. Twenty-six
  31. Twenty-seven
  32. Twenty-eight
  33. Twenty-nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-one
  36. Thirty-two
  37. Thirty-three
  38. Thirty-four
  39. Thirty-five
  40. Thirty-six
  41. Thirty-seven
  42. Thirty-eight
  43. Thirty-nine
  44. Forty
  45. Forty-one
  46. Forty-two
  47. Forty-three
  48. Forty-four
  49. Forty-five
  50. Forty-six
  51. Forty-seven
  52. Forty-eight
  53. Forty-nine
  54. Fifty
  55. Fifty-one
  56. Fifty-two
  57. Fifty-three
  58. Fifty-four
  59. Fifty-five
  60. Fifty-six
  61. Fifty-seven
  62. Fifty-eight
  63. Fifty-nine
  64. Sixty
  65. Sixty-one
  66. Sixty-two
  67. Sixty-three
  68. Sixty-four
  69. Sixty-five
  70. Sixty-six
  71. Sixty-seven
  72. Epilogue
  73. Acknowledgments
  74. Read More
  75. Prologue
  76. One
  77. Two
  78. Three
  79. Four
  80. Follow Merilyn online
  81. Dedication

She gets up to dress and I watch her scoop clothes off the floor and I try to ignore the feeling that’s recently started tap-tap-tapping in my head. I bury my face in the pillow and mumble the words just to get them out. ‘I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish we’d made it go away.’

But it turns out, Aoife is more Catholic than either of us thought.

In the evening we go to Alf’s flat. We get ready together with the same excitement we would for a party, hair and nails done, creases on our best dresses smoothed out. Because for all the bits we don’t like, we can’t help but like the way our time with him makes us feel; it takes us from a world where we are a problem to be solved to one where we are princesses and told we are something special. Time stands still when we are with Alf. We have no past, no rejection, and no one expects our future to be full of failure. We are just two girls living a life we’ve chosen rather than the one given to us.

But tonight, as soon as we open the door, we know something feels different. Alf is on the sofa where he always is, but there is a man to his right and one at the table. We pause by the door.

‘Come in, girls,’ Alf calls. ‘My friends have popped over.’ He grins at the men. ‘Hope you don’t mind.’

He’s in full-on Alf mode and we get swept up in his enthusiasm. We sit and watch as he jokes with his friends, take every drink offered to us, and feel the room fill with laughter and fun.

Then Alf looks at Aoife and things seem to still. His smile remains but it’s changed in a way you can never point to, but you just know what lies behind it isn’t good any more. He gestures to her to go to him and she obeys. He pulls her down on his lap and she laughs as he pushes her down and kisses her.

‘You’re so beautiful,’ I hear him whisper. ‘The perfect fit for me.’

The men are watching this, their eyes fixed on Aoife; they don’t smile or laugh, just watch, and the way they are looking at her makes my stomach feel like it’s full of bees.

Alf looks up and catches the eye of the man on the sofa, then he looks to me. I sit dead still. I don’t want him to say what he’s going to.

‘Come and sit down over here, Mary.’