BooksBarbecue
Back When I Lost You
Chapters (81)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Prologue
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-one
  26. Twenty-two
  27. Twenty-three
  28. Twenty-four
  29. Twenty-five
  30. Twenty-six
  31. Twenty-seven
  32. Twenty-eight
  33. Twenty-nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-one
  36. Thirty-two
  37. Thirty-three
  38. Thirty-four
  39. Thirty-five
  40. Thirty-six
  41. Thirty-seven
  42. Thirty-eight
  43. Thirty-nine
  44. Forty
  45. Forty-one
  46. Forty-two
  47. Forty-three
  48. Forty-four
  49. Forty-five
  50. Forty-six
  51. Forty-seven
  52. Forty-eight
  53. Forty-nine
  54. Fifty
  55. Fifty-one
  56. Fifty-two
  57. Fifty-three
  58. Fifty-four
  59. Fifty-five
  60. Fifty-six
  61. Fifty-seven
  62. Fifty-eight
  63. Fifty-nine
  64. Sixty
  65. Sixty-one
  66. Sixty-two
  67. Sixty-three
  68. Sixty-four
  69. Sixty-five
  70. Sixty-six
  71. Sixty-seven
  72. Epilogue
  73. Acknowledgments
  74. Read More
  75. Prologue
  76. One
  77. Two
  78. Three
  79. Four
  80. Follow Merilyn online
  81. Dedication

I try to pull at Alf, to stop him moving towards her, but miss and fall in a heap on the floor. The threadbare carpet scratches at my skin and I shiver, suddenly aware of my nakedness. I curl up into myself as Alf reaches Aoife and shut my eyes, refusing to acknowledge her begging words.

Play the game, Aoife, I want to say, just play the goddamn game.

But it doesn’t work, playing the game, does it? How stupid we both are: so convinced we’re the captains of our own ship, we haven’t seen the rocks in the dark. We haven’t even bothered to look for them.

A week later Aoife joins me in bed. She pulls the covers up to her chin, her big eyes and red hair the only thing I can see.

‘I haven’t had my period.’

I have a vague understanding this isn’t good.

‘So I need to do a test.’

I nod. ‘OK. That’s what we’ll do,’ though I’m not sure of where to get one or how to get the money. ‘Then—’ I stop. Then what?

Aoife stares at me. The bedroom floor is surrounded by discarded clothes and cassettes, their boxes long since lost, but all I notice is that her eyes are desperate pools of hope.

‘And what then?’ she prompts.

I don’t know, but I sense it’s up to me to find out. Our relationship seems to have shifted and now I’m the one with the power. A guilty little bit of me likes it.

‘We could tell the home staff?’ I quickly take it back when Aoife looks ready to cry.

‘Or a social worker.’ I let that sit in the air before we laugh. Telling a social worker would be as bad as confiding in Alf; both options would see us kicked onto the street the second we turned sixteen, without a penny to our names and a baby in tow.

‘We’ll do a test and see after that.’ My tone far exceeds the confidence I feel.

‘How will we get the money?’

I look around the room, deciding what’s best to sell, before realising there is a far better option.

‘Alf. He’s not going to notice a couple of quid going missing from the till. Then if we need more, if the test shows we do,’ I add, ‘we’ll take a bit more.’

Aoife looks scared, but nods anyway, because what other option do we have? That thing’s going to grow in her whatever we do, so better to run the risk of Alf’s anger now instead of when it comes kicking and screaming into the world.