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Back When I Lost You Save as PDF
Chapters (81)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Prologue
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-one
  26. Twenty-two
  27. Twenty-three
  28. Twenty-four
  29. Twenty-five
  30. Twenty-six
  31. Twenty-seven
  32. Twenty-eight
  33. Twenty-nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-one
  36. Thirty-two
  37. Thirty-three
  38. Thirty-four
  39. Thirty-five
  40. Thirty-six
  41. Thirty-seven
  42. Thirty-eight
  43. Thirty-nine
  44. Forty
  45. Forty-one
  46. Forty-two
  47. Forty-three
  48. Forty-four
  49. Forty-five
  50. Forty-six
  51. Forty-seven
  52. Forty-eight
  53. Forty-nine
  54. Fifty
  55. Fifty-one
  56. Fifty-two
  57. Fifty-three
  58. Fifty-four
  59. Fifty-five
  60. Fifty-six
  61. Fifty-seven
  62. Fifty-eight
  63. Fifty-nine
  64. Sixty
  65. Sixty-one
  66. Sixty-two
  67. Sixty-three
  68. Sixty-four
  69. Sixty-five
  70. Sixty-six
  71. Sixty-seven
  72. Epilogue
  73. Acknowledgments
  74. Read More
  75. Prologue
  76. One
  77. Two
  78. Three
  79. Four
  80. Follow Merilyn online
  81. Dedication

‘My mother was sixteen when she had me. Just about your age. She’d been in care all her life and she saw me as the start of her life. The proper life she should have had but didn’t.’

I want to lean into him, rest my head on his shoulder while he talks, but I don’t.

‘She had me in the toilet of the care home she was in. She wrapped me in the blanket she’d bought for me and took me to her room. My mum fed me as she lay on the bed, singing softly. She told me a light breeze came in through the window, making the curtains flutter and a wind chime tingle. It was, she said, the most peaceful she had ever felt and she knew this was why she had been born. To have me.’

He stops for a moment and I stay quiet, understanding that he’s remembering her.

‘She kept me hidden for three days.’ He speaks with pride. ‘Three days she went downstairs for breakfast, lunch and dinner before returning to give me mine. Then one day, the girl in the next bedroom to my mum told the staff she’d heard a baby cry.’ He takes a deep breath and lets his shoulders fall as he exhales.

‘They found me and took me from her. I can’t even begin to know the pain she must have felt, having her life snatched away like that. She told me she screamed and fought and begged them to leave me, but they took me anyway, bundled me into the back of a car, and the last she saw of me was my face wet with tears as they drove me away.’

He seems to run out of breath, so I squeeze his hand just as Aoife used to squeeze mine.

‘But you found her?’

He brightens. ‘I did! Three months ago I managed to track her down after years of searching. She’s lovely. I worried she wouldn’t be my mum, you know?’

I nod. Because I do.

‘But she was my mum right from the off.’ He says this with such love I am almost overwhelmed by it.

‘You see the thing is,’ he suddenly becomes serious, ‘she didn’t handle the separation well and there are scars on her wrists to prove it. And when I saw you, running to me with this little baby in your arms, I could only think of my mum and what she would have wanted a man to do to help her if she’d managed to save me like you saved Aoife’s baby.’ He looks down at his hands. My heart is pounding.

‘I wanted you to have a chance to know her.’ He looks at me and his eyes are blue like the sea. ‘I wanted to keep her safe for you so you didn’t have to go through what my mum went through.’