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Back This Time Will Be Different
Chapters (77)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part I
  6. 3
  7. The History of My Beef with Brynn Foer-Preston
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part I
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part I
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part II
  20. 13
  21. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part II
  22. 14
  23. 15
  24. 16
  25. 17
  26. 18
  27. 19
  28. The Complicated History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Imaginary Relationship with Her Nonexistent Dad
  29. 20
  30. 21
  31. 22
  32. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part III
  33. 23
  34. 24
  35. 25
  36. A Brief, Backward History of the McAllister Family, as Paraphrased from the San Jose Mercury News
  37. 26
  38. 27
  39. 28
  40. A Quick and Eerily Relevant History of Asians in America
  41. 29
  42. 30
  43. 31
  44. 32
  45. 33
  46. 34
  47. 35
  48. 36
  49. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part IV
  50. 37
  51. 38
  52. 39
  53. 40
  54. 41
  55. 42
  56. 43
  57. 44
  58. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part II (Or Maybe It’s a Prequel)
  59. 45
  60. 46
  61. 47
  62. 48
  63. 49
  64. 50
  65. 51
  66. 52
  67. 53
  68. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part III
  69. 54
  70. A Note from the Author
  71. Index of Flowers and their Meanings
  72. Acknowledgments
  73. About the Author
  74. Praise for This Time Will Be Different
  75. Books by Misa Sugiura
  76. Back Ad
  77. About the Publisher

“But I totally blew it. It was—I don’t know. I don’t know why I ever thought it was going to work.” I don’t know what it is that does it: disappointment, self-pity, the cumulative exhaustion of years of trying and failing to be as great as she wishes I were. But tears well up from the bottomless pit of neediness that I’ve tried so hard to grow out of, and I choke on my next words. “Hannah says you’ve never been proud of anything I’ve done, and I believe her. All I ever do—I can’t do anything right. Nothing you care about, anyway.”

I realize that I sound like I blame her and I’m trying to start a fight, even though I’m not. She came in here to bond with me and make me feel better, and I’m ruining it. Why can’t I stop screwing things up? She must hate it so much, how predictably I fall short. It must be torture to be so brilliant, so blazingly talented, so successful, and have to drag me shuffling and stumbling along behind her, unwilling and unable to keep up.

“Be honest, Mom. Did I ruin your life? Do you ever regret having me?” Even as I say this, I don’t want to hear her answer. I’m so afraid, I can barely even look at her. And when I see her anguished expression, something around my heart squeezes so tightly that I wonder how it’s still beating.

“Oh, Ceej. You know I chose to have you.”

“But that’s—” My voice cracks, and I have to fight to get the rest of the sentence out. “That’s not the same thing as being happy about it. You told me last year that having a baby was like breaking a vase you couldn’t fix. You said it would ruin my life. How would you know? It’s because you think I ruined yours!”

“You didn’t ruin my life, CJ. You have to believe that.” Mom leans toward me, the intensity of her plea radiating off her like heat.

I want to. “But?”

She gathers herself back in, looks up at the ceiling. Closes her eyes. Takes a breath. “CJ, the tech world, the work world—it punishes women for being mothers. People think that if you’re not willing to prioritize work over family time, you shouldn’t have the job. They think that women won’t work as hard when we have families. Having a baby when I was young and couldn’t call the shots . . .”

“Got in the way of your career.”