BooksBarbecue
Back This Time Will Be Different Save as PDF
Chapters (77)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part I
  6. 3
  7. The History of My Beef with Brynn Foer-Preston
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part I
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part I
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part II
  20. 13
  21. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part II
  22. 14
  23. 15
  24. 16
  25. 17
  26. 18
  27. 19
  28. The Complicated History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Imaginary Relationship with Her Nonexistent Dad
  29. 20
  30. 21
  31. 22
  32. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part III
  33. 23
  34. 24
  35. 25
  36. A Brief, Backward History of the McAllister Family, as Paraphrased from the San Jose Mercury News
  37. 26
  38. 27
  39. 28
  40. A Quick and Eerily Relevant History of Asians in America
  41. 29
  42. 30
  43. 31
  44. 32
  45. 33
  46. 34
  47. 35
  48. 36
  49. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part IV
  50. 37
  51. 38
  52. 39
  53. 40
  54. 41
  55. 42
  56. 43
  57. 44
  58. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part II (Or Maybe It’s a Prequel)
  59. 45
  60. 46
  61. 47
  62. 48
  63. 49
  64. 50
  65. 51
  66. 52
  67. 53
  68. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part III
  69. 54
  70. A Note from the Author
  71. Index of Flowers and their Meanings
  72. Acknowledgments
  73. About the Author
  74. Praise for This Time Will Be Different
  75. Books by Misa Sugiura
  76. Back Ad
  77. About the Publisher

I’ve replayed that conversation over and over in my head. I’m grateful to Mom for taking control and basically being cool about everything after her initial reaction. I’m grateful to her for being so totally behind my decision, and for calling bullshit on anyone who thinks I should feel guilty for not feeling guilty. But I wonder if she secretly still feels angry at me for screwing up so profoundly. Sometimes I think I’ll never do anything impressive enough to make up for it, to make up for a lifetime of disappointment, really. Sometimes I wonder if, deep down, she does regret her decision to have me.

I know how I felt when I realized I was pregnant. How frantic I was to not have a baby. She must have felt the same way. Someone must have convinced her that she’d have an amazing daughter who would grow up to be worth the sacrifice and the extra work. Was I worth it? Was I?

Mom has always said that having me was a deliberate choice, that even if the pregnancy was a mistake, I was not. But if having me was really the right decision, why would she still be so angry about having gotten pregnant with me in the first place? That night planted a seed of doubt in my heart, and the doubt put down roots and sent out tendrils that have been growing ever since, a tangle of thorny vines that coil themselves around me and draw blood every time I reach for her.

37

IT’S NOW NEARLY THREE WEEKS AFTER VALENTINE’S Day, and maybe it’s just me, but business feels a little slow. But Hannah says it’s normal and not to worry, and anyway, I’ve been too immersed in the drama around STORM to pay a whole lot of attention lately.

The school board meeting is coming up tomorrow, and tensions are running high. Rumors have been circulating that we kicked Brynn off the committee because she’s white. Mizhir couldn’t resist saying, “I told you so,” although he didn’t look happy to say it. Despite our lack of access to Brynn’s insider tips, the STORM presentation is ready to go and, if you ask me, it’s freaking amazing—this is a committee full of #winners, after all. But no one else feels confident about it. Even if we make it past the school board, the next hurdle we face is the city council, one of whose members is probably mad at us for kicking her daughter off the committee.