BooksBarbecue
Back This Time Will Be Different Save as PDF
Chapters (77)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part I
  6. 3
  7. The History of My Beef with Brynn Foer-Preston
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part I
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part I
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part II
  20. 13
  21. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part II
  22. 14
  23. 15
  24. 16
  25. 17
  26. 18
  27. 19
  28. The Complicated History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Imaginary Relationship with Her Nonexistent Dad
  29. 20
  30. 21
  31. 22
  32. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part III
  33. 23
  34. 24
  35. 25
  36. A Brief, Backward History of the McAllister Family, as Paraphrased from the San Jose Mercury News
  37. 26
  38. 27
  39. 28
  40. A Quick and Eerily Relevant History of Asians in America
  41. 29
  42. 30
  43. 31
  44. 32
  45. 33
  46. 34
  47. 35
  48. 36
  49. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part IV
  50. 37
  51. 38
  52. 39
  53. 40
  54. 41
  55. 42
  56. 43
  57. 44
  58. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part II (Or Maybe It’s a Prequel)
  59. 45
  60. 46
  61. 47
  62. 48
  63. 49
  64. 50
  65. 51
  66. 52
  67. 53
  68. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part III
  69. 54
  70. A Note from the Author
  71. Index of Flowers and their Meanings
  72. Acknowledgments
  73. About the Author
  74. Praise for This Time Will Be Different
  75. Books by Misa Sugiura
  76. Back Ad
  77. About the Publisher

She’s right. I shouldn’t have compared my loyalty to her in eighth grade with Brynn’s decision to stay closeted. And congratulating myself for it was fucked up. But I’m still nursing the ache of being left out and left behind, and she doesn’t know about my abortion, but she’s rubbing my face in every other failure I’ve ever had to carry, and the only thing my pain doesn’t blot out is my need to hurt her back. “Well, at least none of the guys I went out with told their friends that they thought I was gross. At least none of them let people laugh at me behind my back.”

“What the hell are you talking about, CJ? You’re not even making sense anymore.”

I tell her the whole story: Austin waving her Valentine’s Day cookie in the air; Brynn laughing and passing it around; Brynn asking me if I was afraid to be friends with Em. “She’s a manipulative, backstabbing hypocrite, Emily, and all she cares about is making herself look good. I bet she’s only going out with you so she can bring you to prom and get in the newspaper for being McAllister’s first prom queen to bring a girl as her date.”

Something in the back of my head is whispering, Reel it in; shut it down, but I’m on such a roll, and it feels good, too, in a horrible, mean way. It feels good to tell my version of the history of Emily and Brynn, to finally reveal to Emily who she’s been hung up on all these years. What Brynn really did.

But that high is short-lived. Emily’s entire face droops. All except her eyes, which are now bright with tears. I can tell she’s hoping I’ll take everything back, but I can’t. Not now, anyway. Not yet.

She turns and leaves without a word, and I’m overcome by a desire to run after her and take it all back like I know she wants. Maybe I’m being childish, hanging on to the past like this. But the fact is that Brynn did something awful. And I looked out for Em, I tried to protect her, and she paid me back by prioritizing a crush—a doomed crush, I might add—over her common sense, over her best friend’s advice. And now she thinks she’s too good for me. I try to let that delicious sense of self-righteousness fill me up again, but it sputters and goes out.

43

TWENTY MINUTES LATER, I’M STILL DRIVING aimlessly around in the hills. I’ve rejected a potential boyfriend; and I don’t know what Owen even is anymore, but I’ve lost him, too; and now I’ve lost Emily.

I can’t let things continue this way. I need to make a change.