BooksBarbecue
Back This Time Will Be Different
Chapters (77)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part I
  6. 3
  7. The History of My Beef with Brynn Foer-Preston
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part I
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part I
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part II
  20. 13
  21. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part II
  22. 14
  23. 15
  24. 16
  25. 17
  26. 18
  27. 19
  28. The Complicated History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Imaginary Relationship with Her Nonexistent Dad
  29. 20
  30. 21
  31. 22
  32. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part III
  33. 23
  34. 24
  35. 25
  36. A Brief, Backward History of the McAllister Family, as Paraphrased from the San Jose Mercury News
  37. 26
  38. 27
  39. 28
  40. A Quick and Eerily Relevant History of Asians in America
  41. 29
  42. 30
  43. 31
  44. 32
  45. 33
  46. 34
  47. 35
  48. 36
  49. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part IV
  50. 37
  51. 38
  52. 39
  53. 40
  54. 41
  55. 42
  56. 43
  57. 44
  58. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part II (Or Maybe It’s a Prequel)
  59. 45
  60. 46
  61. 47
  62. 48
  63. 49
  64. 50
  65. 51
  66. 52
  67. 53
  68. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part III
  69. 54
  70. A Note from the Author
  71. Index of Flowers and their Meanings
  72. Acknowledgments
  73. About the Author
  74. Praise for This Time Will Be Different
  75. Books by Misa Sugiura
  76. Back Ad
  77. About the Publisher

Mom looks pained, but she doesn’t back down. “No one wants to promote a single mom, because no one believes she can work hard enough to do her job well. I worked harder than anyone at that office—including men with families—and everyone still assumed I wouldn’t be able to handle as much responsibility as the men. I felt like a shitty mom and I didn’t get promoted as fast as other people. It sucked.”

“And that’s why you regret having me.” The unfairness of it all—to Mom and to me—leaves me feeling burned and blistered.

“No, CJ. I’m saying it wasn’t easy. I didn’t want you to go through the same thing. Babies slow you down. It’s just a fact.” She stands up and starts pacing. “The regret—sometimes I think I’m just not cut out for parenthood. And you’re suffering because of it.” She turns to me, pleading. “It has nothing to do with who you are, or anything you’ve done. It’s me. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll never be able to be the mother you need.”

“I’m not asking you to be the world’s greatest mom.”

“No. But I am.”

“But that’s not fair. It makes me feel like I have to be the world’s greatest daughter. And I’m not. I’ll never be.” My voice breaks, and I look away and breathe, breathe, breathe, but the tears still come.

“Oh, Ceej.” Her own eyes fill with tears, and she sits down and wraps her arms around me and I cry and cry, for all the times I’ve failed her, for the times that she’s failed me, for how unfair it all is, and for the vast and barren emptiness that separates me from any idea of how I can fix things.

“It’s so hard,” she says, when I’ve calmed down a little. “I’m really good at what I do for work. I put in more effort, more time, and it pays off. But with you and me, I can never tell. Like now, I tried to make you feel good about yourself and ended up making you cry. I feel like a failure all the time.”

“You’re not.”

“Neither are you.”

“But what if I never become what you hoped for?”

“The important thing is that you become what you hope for.”

“What if it’s something you don’t want?”

Mom grimaces. “I’m terrified of that, frankly. It’s not up to me what you end up doing with your life, and I don’t like it when things aren’t up to me. But I’m working on it. And I’m fairly certain that you’ll be okay.”

I make a face because I’m not so certain.