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Back This Time Will Be Different Save as PDF
Chapters (77)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part I
  6. 3
  7. The History of My Beef with Brynn Foer-Preston
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part I
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part I
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part II
  20. 13
  21. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part II
  22. 14
  23. 15
  24. 16
  25. 17
  26. 18
  27. 19
  28. The Complicated History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Imaginary Relationship with Her Nonexistent Dad
  29. 20
  30. 21
  31. 22
  32. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part III
  33. 23
  34. 24
  35. 25
  36. A Brief, Backward History of the McAllister Family, as Paraphrased from the San Jose Mercury News
  37. 26
  38. 27
  39. 28
  40. A Quick and Eerily Relevant History of Asians in America
  41. 29
  42. 30
  43. 31
  44. 32
  45. 33
  46. 34
  47. 35
  48. 36
  49. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part IV
  50. 37
  51. 38
  52. 39
  53. 40
  54. 41
  55. 42
  56. 43
  57. 44
  58. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part II (Or Maybe It’s a Prequel)
  59. 45
  60. 46
  61. 47
  62. 48
  63. 49
  64. 50
  65. 51
  66. 52
  67. 53
  68. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part III
  69. 54
  70. A Note from the Author
  71. Index of Flowers and their Meanings
  72. Acknowledgments
  73. About the Author
  74. Praise for This Time Will Be Different
  75. Books by Misa Sugiura
  76. Back Ad
  77. About the Publisher

It’s true. I’m not ashamed of where I’m from or how I came to be. But I’ll admit that it’s a painful thing, not knowing who your dad is. I sometimes think Mom blames a lot of my failures on him: my crooked teeth, my complete inability to handle math, my lack of ambition, my aversion to spicy food; because where else could they have come from?

I trusted Mom when she told me that she knew what she was doing when she decided to have me on her own; I still trust her about that. The only thing I’m not sure about anymore is whether Mom thinks she made the right decision.

I guess that’s complicated.

The Complicated History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Imaginary Relationship with Her Nonexistent Dad

Before I Was Even Born

Granddad had just died; Mom had just started at McAllister. Mom went out with some B-school classmates and got shit-faced, and a few months later, she learned she was pregnant. Though you know that already.

Five Years Old

Emily’s parents got pregnant with her little brother, Tanner, when we were five. She whispered the news to me at my fifth birthday party, as soon as she arrived. When the party was over and Mom and Mrs. Baxter were gossiping at the kitchen table with coffee and two pieces of leftover cake, Emily told me the rest. After breaking the news about her pregnancy, Mrs. Baxter had sat Emily down and told her all about how the baby had gotten in there, and read her a book about it, complete with illustrations. I still remember the key sentence about “how it happens”: “When two people love each other very much, they lie down together in a special way.” When Em told me what that special way was, I thought she was lying.

“Is she telling the truth? Is that how I got into your uterus?” I asked Mom that evening when she put me to bed. She replied, after a long pause, that Emily had it about right.

“So I have a father?” I knew a couple of kids with two moms, and it had never occurred to me that a man might have played an integral role in my creation. “Where is he?”

It was a few more seconds before Mom replied. “A lot of people have sex with someone special who they’re in love with. And sometimes they have babies and stay together. That’s what Emily’s parents did.”

“I know that,” I said. “What about my father?”