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Back This Time Will Be Different
Chapters (77)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part I
  6. 3
  7. The History of My Beef with Brynn Foer-Preston
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part I
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part I
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part II
  20. 13
  21. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part II
  22. 14
  23. 15
  24. 16
  25. 17
  26. 18
  27. 19
  28. The Complicated History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Imaginary Relationship with Her Nonexistent Dad
  29. 20
  30. 21
  31. 22
  32. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part III
  33. 23
  34. 24
  35. 25
  36. A Brief, Backward History of the McAllister Family, as Paraphrased from the San Jose Mercury News
  37. 26
  38. 27
  39. 28
  40. A Quick and Eerily Relevant History of Asians in America
  41. 29
  42. 30
  43. 31
  44. 32
  45. 33
  46. 34
  47. 35
  48. 36
  49. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part IV
  50. 37
  51. 38
  52. 39
  53. 40
  54. 41
  55. 42
  56. 43
  57. 44
  58. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part II (Or Maybe It’s a Prequel)
  59. 45
  60. 46
  61. 47
  62. 48
  63. 49
  64. 50
  65. 51
  66. 52
  67. 53
  68. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part III
  69. 54
  70. A Note from the Author
  71. Index of Flowers and their Meanings
  72. Acknowledgments
  73. About the Author
  74. Praise for This Time Will Be Different
  75. Books by Misa Sugiura
  76. Back Ad
  77. About the Publisher

“You still don’t get how scared I was. My dad, I mean. He thinks I’m going to hell. I felt like I had to hide—like I had to be the opposite of myself, like I had to be like my dad—for it to count. You wanna know the most fucked-up thing, though? I thought it would make him love me more somehow. I didn’t even tell him what I did. Like just secretly acting homophobic would send vibes to him that I wasn’t queer and he’d love me for it. If I could take back one thing I’ve done in my life, that would be it.”

A few minutes ago, I would have said, “Good choice,” but I can’t anymore. I still hate what she did, but now I can see how trapped she felt, and that she was doing the best she could. Instead, I ask, “So what does your dad say about you being McAllister’s first lesbian prom queen?”

Brynn shakes her head and gives me a tight-lipped smile. “We don’t really talk anymore. He just kind of pretends I don’t exist, except when he prays for me.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t regret it. I mean, I pray every day that he’ll change how he feels. But I can’t take it back, and I don’t want to. I was dying, pretending to everyone all the time. And knowing my dad would probably hate me. I just got to a point where I figured his attitude would be the same no matter what, but if I came out, the rest of my life might get better. So I did.”

“But now your dad—”

“I know. Emily’s so lucky. I know it’s selfish, but I love being at her house and having her parents accept me the way they do.”

“Yeah. They’re pretty awesome.” Look at me, I think. Getting to know Brynn. Having things in common. Emily would be proud. Only. Right. She hates me right now.

“She had a great best friend, too.”

“Oh, horsefeathers,” I say, suddenly jokey and uncomfortable. Empathy is all well and good, but we don’t need to throw ourselves a touchy-feely goop party.

“No, seriously. I would have loved to have a friend as loyal as you. I don’t blame you for seeing me as your enemy. I didn’t mean to mess up your friendship.”