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Back This Time Will Be Different
Chapters (77)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part I
  6. 3
  7. The History of My Beef with Brynn Foer-Preston
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part I
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part I
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part II
  20. 13
  21. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part II
  22. 14
  23. 15
  24. 16
  25. 17
  26. 18
  27. 19
  28. The Complicated History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Imaginary Relationship with Her Nonexistent Dad
  29. 20
  30. 21
  31. 22
  32. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part III
  33. 23
  34. 24
  35. 25
  36. A Brief, Backward History of the McAllister Family, as Paraphrased from the San Jose Mercury News
  37. 26
  38. 27
  39. 28
  40. A Quick and Eerily Relevant History of Asians in America
  41. 29
  42. 30
  43. 31
  44. 32
  45. 33
  46. 34
  47. 35
  48. 36
  49. A Brief History of Chisaki Joan Katsuyama’s Romantic Learning Opportunities, Part IV
  50. 37
  51. 38
  52. 39
  53. 40
  54. 41
  55. 42
  56. 43
  57. 44
  58. A Series of Screw-ups: The Chisaki Joan Katsuyama Story, Part II (Or Maybe It’s a Prequel)
  59. 45
  60. 46
  61. 47
  62. 48
  63. 49
  64. 50
  65. 51
  66. 52
  67. 53
  68. The History of the Katsuyama Family, Part III
  69. 54
  70. A Note from the Author
  71. Index of Flowers and their Meanings
  72. Acknowledgments
  73. About the Author
  74. Praise for This Time Will Be Different
  75. Books by Misa Sugiura
  76. Back Ad
  77. About the Publisher

Brynn hesitates, then says, “I know what I did was fucked up, but I was thirteen, CJ. I had stuff going on that you don’t know about. Why would you hang on to it for so long? Why would you use it to try to break us up?”

“Because what difference does it make what you had going on, or how old you were? Because you could have just been like, ‘Oh, how nice of her,’ but instead you humiliated her and then totally abandoned her. How was I supposed to know you weren’t going to screw her over again?” Only I’m having trouble summoning the old rage, now that I’m face-to-face with her remorse and her pain. What was going on in her life that I didn’t know about?

“I know. I get that there’s no excuse for what I did. But that’s still a pretty judgy thing to say about the kid I was back then. Like I know that people around here are super accepting of queer folks, but it’s still fucking terrifying in middle school. Emily had tons of family support. She had you. And you know who I hung with back then.”

I do. A bunch of homophobic bro wannabes and boy-crazy Mean Girls. I’m starting to wonder how it felt for her to be with those kids all the time. People are so trash in middle school.

“And my parents . . . My dad, actually. He’s like the biggest homophobe on the planet. I already felt like I was failing him because I’d just found out that I didn’t get into the gifted math program, and he’s this like phenomenal engineer, and he was so disappointed in me. And then Em let me know she liked me, and I was so excited, but then I knew, and it scared the shit out of me because of what it would mean to my dad and my friends. So when Austin pulled out that Valentine cookie . . .”

“You panicked.” I remember it so clearly, the animal fear in her eyes.

Brynn nods. “It was so obvious to me who I was and how much I liked her. I felt like if I didn’t do something drastic right then, everyone would be able to see it.”

“So you sacrificed Emily.” I’m having a hard time letting go of how cruel it felt. Am I being unfair?

“I told you I’m not proud of it.”

“Why didn’t you just say you weren’t interested, and leave it at that?”