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Back The Infinite Noise Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  69. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  70. Newsletter Sign-up

I’m grimacing at my own rambling but I don’t know how else to put it. Something about Adam makes me feel whole in a world where other people’s emotions make me into a human jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces are from different boxes.

“Like how we were talking about the colors a little while ago,” I try to explain. “If he’s blue and I’m yellow, being around him makes everything green instead of just a mess of a bunch of different colors smashed together and I guess … I guess I just really like being in that green place. It’s just really … things are clearer when they’re green. They’re easier to understand. Like getting to the green helps understand the yellow even better, you know? God, that sounds really dumb, doesn’t it?”

“It doesn’t sound dumb to me,” says Dr. Bright, and I don’t feel the lie-detector buzzer go off. “It sounds like the two of you have a very meaningful connection.”

“Yeah, whatever.” I roll my eyes. “I’m probably just gonna fuck it up anyway.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I’m pretty sure I already have. We hung out earlier today and I was so weird, I know I was, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Silent stare. The rest comes out in a rush. Damn, why does that always work on me?

“I told him what happened at the dance and I was kind of sloppy about it and mentioned that I couldn’t help getting mad at Henry and Adam didn’t understand that—I could feel his confusion but also his, like, I don’t know, his curiosity about it? Except it wasn’t like the curiosity I get from you, it was sharper and rougher, like … scared, I guess.”

“Suspicion?” she asks, her face perfectly calm. But underneath: bright traffic cone spike—no, a flare—a flare and a siren. I rush to put them out.

“No, no, I don’t know if he’s suspicious—I mean, that’d be a weird thing to be suspicious about, right? There’s no way he could figure out what I am. But I think he thinks I’m hiding something. Which I am, but I don’t know how to tell him it’s not something bad without telling him what it is.”

“Do you want to tell him?” she asks, and the flare glows steadily.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I don’t want to stop hanging out with him, I know that. But I feel like I’m just gonna keep being weird and he’s gonna realize he doesn’t actually want to be friends with me.”