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Back The Infinite Noise Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  69. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  70. Newsletter Sign-up

He’s tripping over his words as he looks up in terror at the class. And for some godforsaken reason, he’s now staring right at me. Again. I’m holding on to my notebook for dear life, feeling the edgings of it cut into my palms, hoping that either I’ll pass out or he’ll pass out or the whole class will just drop dead, but he looks so scared that all I can do is stare back and try to silently communicate, You can do this. I believe in you. And it’s true. I do. My entire body is full of the wish that he gets through this, that he doesn’t give anyone reason to make fun of him like they make fun of me, that he doesn’t have to feel like crap when he leaves this classroom. Every atom I contain wants to see him succeed, and with that anxiety comes just the slightest bit of relief—like air is filling me up for the first time in days.

When I walked into school today, I’d been numb to the frantic stress around me. Now, I’m boiling over with nervous energy and the strange relief that comes with feeling something for the first time in days. Watching Caleb struggle is painful but also a much-needed jolt of adrenaline.

I’m completely frozen in place, worried I’ll be trapped in the amber of this stress-filled moment forever, when his shoulders relax slightly and he looks back at his notes and continues. The whole thing takes maybe seven seconds, but it feels like a hundred lifetimes. As he gets back into a groove (or as much of a groove as Caleb can get into when giving a presentation, I guess), I’m a giant exhale personified. I feel wrung out, like I just absorbed all his stress simply by watching him go through that moment of panic. And god, I still have to give my own presentation.

I hate this. And I smile, just a bit, because that’s something.

11

CALEB

Wow, Adam is really good at this. I mean, I knew he was a bit of a brainiac, but he just got up there and opened his mouth and all this super-smart stuff started coming out in this easy, confident way that I’ve never seen him pull off around, you know … other humans.

I guess we’ve never been in a class where we’ve had to give presentations before. We shared a math class for a few years, but then he got onto the advanced track and now I think he’s in AP calc, which I am for sure not. The only other subject we have together this year is Latin and you can’t really speak Latin, so it’s not a class big on oral presentations, thank god.