BooksBarbecue
Back The Infinite Noise Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  69. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  70. Newsletter Sign-up

“What’s going on with you and Caleb?” she asks gently. “Did you guys break up or something?”

“I don’t know,” I reply, horrified to find my voice thick and my eyes stinging. “We got into a pretty big fight and now he’s not talking to me and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“What was the fight about?” she asks. “Not that I’m trying—I’m not trying to pry or anything, I just maybe could help if I knew what happened? Ugh, sorry, you don’t have to tell me anything.”

She’s rambling, something Caitlin rarely does, and twisting her hands in her lap. I want to tell her it’s fine, tell her that I’m just happy she’s here, happy she’s listening at all, happy that she cares, but that all feels too earnest and too honest for the moment. So instead I focus on the matter at hand.

“I can’t really—I can’t tell you,” I say. “It’s kind of a long, complicated story and a lot of it isn’t my story to tell, but … I screwed up. I wasn’t honest with him about some stuff and now he’s scared off and I always knew that he was going to get scared off but I thought it would be about the other thing, there’s no way I could have seen this coming—”

Now I’m rambling and I don’t know how to stop but thankfully Caitlin interrupts me.

“What other thing?”

“Oh.” I turn red, angry at my mouth for communicating without my permission. “You know, just … the way that I am.”

Caitlin looks at me like she wants to say something, like she’s weighing all the different arguments in her head, but she stays silent, her eyes turning soft.

“It was never going to last.” I stare into my lap, wishing desperately that I could just stop talking. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’m—” Caitlin is at a loss for words and I feel guilty for always putting her in these unique, un-Caitlin-like situations.

“I’m sorry,” she says finally. “But maybe—maybe it isn’t totally over yet. I’ve seen the way Caleb looks at you. I was even—I was a bit jealous, at first, if I’m honest. But I couldn’t even stay jealous because you two … you just fit.”

And that, more than anything, is what makes the tears leave my eyes and start rolling down my cheeks. I try to brush them away surreptitiously, murmuring a thank-you before hurriedly asking Caitlin about why she’s reading Plato when classes end tomorrow. She sees my need for a change of subject and starts explaining why she loves Socratic dialogue so much. I let her voice wash over me and, just for a moment, everything hurts a little less.

52

CALEB