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Back The Infinite Noise Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  69. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  70. Newsletter Sign-up

He does and it’s awkward and we just stare at each other when we say good-bye instead of fist-bumping or waving or, I don’t know, hugging like normal fucking people who might have kissed five minutes ago if one of them hadn’t totally freaked out. Half an hour later I’m lying in my own bed wondering what the hell my own weird-ass behavior was about.

I wanted to kiss Adam. I’m … adjusting to that. That thought has come up a few times and it’s like, that’s cool. That I can do. I think. It’s been a long time since I’ve kissed somebody. And I haven’t kissed anybody since my ability started up, so that’s a whole other wrench to throw in the machine.

I’ve also never kissed a boy. But that’s less of a concern than I thought it would be. Like, it doesn’t even fucking register as something to worry about. Adam’s face makes me feel a certain way—a way that I didn’t feel looking at Caitlin at the dance—and that hasn’t happened in a long time and who cares if his face is male-shaped.

No, the problem is that I think Adam wanted to kiss me too. Again, not necessarily a problem. For most people—most normal people—that would be a good thing. The person you want to kiss wanting to kiss you should be all high fives all around. But it’s got me second-guessing everything. What if Adam’s wanted to kiss me for a long time? What if the only reason I want to kiss him is because he wants to kiss me?

God, what if none of my emotions are my own? Even now, in my bedroom alone, I can feel my parents and Alice. It’s faint but it’s there. I haven’t been alone with my own feelings in months. How on earth can I trust them?

32

ADAM

“You don’t have to listen but I thought it might be good for when you guys go to away games,” I explain, trying to look Caleb in the eye despite the fact that I feel like I might throw up. “I know the team kind of drives you crazy sometimes. Especially on the bus. So this can be, like, you know, like a distraction or whatever. And you’ve got that scrimmage coming up this weekend so…”

I’ve become more inexact in my language since meeting Caleb. But I can’t blame him and his inability to communicate clearly (though I do blame some other things for that). He makes me nervous. I’m always two steps behind.