“I’m sorry about Saturday,” he says. “I didn’t mean to just bolt out like that but I—I just had stuff I had to do.”

“Oh,” I say, confused.

“Yeah,” he continues, “it wasn’t anything to do with you, I was having a really good time. I mean, I know I fell asleep and everything”—he blushes harder—“but it was fun. Thanks for having me over. Or, you know, for letting me in when I just showed up without texting first.”

“Yeah, of course,” I say, “you’re always welcome.” I’m speaking on autopilot, turning into the consummate host that my parents have raised me to be. My mind is racing. I’m relieved at Caleb’s words, but how did he know exactly what I was worried about? Two steps behind turns into five steps behind and I want to tear my hair out.

“Are you—” he starts, hesitant for once, instead of trying to keep the words in. “Are you okay? Like, after this weekend, are you—”

“Yeah,” I rush out, “yeah, I’m fine.”

He looks at me skeptically, a muscle in his jaw jumping like he’s mad.

“You’re lying,” he says, matter-of-fact.

“Isn’t everyone always lying when they say they’re fine?” I quip.

“You have no idea.” His eyes roll heavenward, his voice heavy with wisdom that he has no right to have. He brings his gaze back down to my face. “But you don’t have to lie to me. I don’t want you to.”

“Haven’t we been over this?” I ask, starting to get irritated by the double standard of information flow between us.

“I just … I’m here, okay?” he repeats. “Just—if you ever need anything. If you want to talk or whatever. I’m here.”

His green eyes are big and earnest and I was not at all prepared for this level of sincerity this early on a Monday morning. Now I’m the one blushing and I look away, feeling vulnerable under the scrutiny of his strange x-ray vision. I mumble something in response—an agreement, a thank-you, a deflection, who knows—and it makes him smile a little. That’s good enough for me.

The bell rings and Caleb thanks me for the playlist again, putting the flash drive into his pocket. He asks me if I want to get lunch later and I nod automatically before he gives me a little wave and goes down the hallway to his class. I watch the back of his head as he walks away, hoping that if I stare hard enough his skull will open up and all his secrets will come spilling out.

33

CALEB

I have a new nightly ritual. I lie on my bed, stare at the ceiling, and think about Adam.

I’m pathetic.