My curiosity is burning under my skin, each question a little spark running through my veins. I want to ask him how he always seems two steps ahead in every conversation. I want to ask him how he knows I’m sad. I want to ask if he’s been feeling bad about this all weekend like I have. I want to ask why he invited me to lunch today. I want to ask if we’re going to do it again.

“Do you want the rest of my pizza?” I ask instead.

21

CALEB

God, talking about this stuff is fucking frustrating. I’m catching Dr. Bright up on the week, but feelings are messy and annoying and trying to describe them is even worse.

“Usually, it’s that the feelings are all just jumbled up,” I try to explain, “like in most of my classes, when there are a bunch of different people feeling a bunch of different things. But then sometimes, it just takes over and kind of finds … like a, like a home in my chest. Like with Adam.”

“What do you mean it finds a home?” she asks.

“Well … I don’t know.” I shrug. “It’s like … when I’m around him, whatever he’s feeling just sort of settles into me and sits there. Next to my own feelings. Like, his sadness, or whatever, becomes my sadness.”

“Does that happen with anyone else when you’re one-on-one with them?”

“Yeah, I guess.” I think about the only other people I’m comfortable around. “Like, when my mom is worried, I feel worried. And I know it’s hers but I also feel like it’s mine a bit. It’s got a different color to it from my own, but sometimes the edges blur together and it creates a new kind of color. Does that make sense?”

“It does,” she says, and I believe her. “So, for example, if your emotions are yellow and Adam’s are blue, you get green.”

“Right, yeah.” I nod, relieved that she understands. “Yeah, and with him, it’s like everything becomes green. With other people, it’s a lot of yellow and a lot of blue and then a little bit of green between them. God, this is a fucking stupid way of talking about things.”

“No it isn’t. In all my years as a psychologist, I have yet to discover a perfect way to talk about emotions. Visualizing them can be very helpful.” She smiles and I feel infinitely less dumb. “So with Adam it completely blurs together? You can’t tell the difference between his emotions and yours?”

“Not exactly. I mean, sometimes he’s blue, and he stays blue,” I say, thinking about how strong the blue can be sometimes. “But yeah, sometimes, his feelings make green and I know that they’re his feelings but they feel real to me. Like more real than other people’s.”