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Back The Infinite Noise Save as PDF
Chapters (70)
  1. Title Page
  2. Copyright Notice
  3. Dedication
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. 16
  20. 17
  21. 18
  22. 19
  23. 20
  24. 21
  25. 22
  26. 23
  27. 24
  28. 25
  29. 26
  30. 27
  31. 28
  32. 29
  33. 30
  34. 31
  35. 32
  36. 33
  37. 34
  38. 35
  39. 36
  40. 37
  41. 38
  42. 39
  43. 40
  44. 41
  45. 42
  46. 43
  47. 44
  48. 45
  49. 46
  50. 47
  51. 48
  52. 49
  53. 50
  54. 51
  55. 52
  56. 53
  57. 54
  58. 55
  59. 56
  60. 57
  61. 58
  62. 59
  63. 60
  64. 61
  65. 62
  66. 63
  67. 64
  68. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  69. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  70. Newsletter Sign-up

I shrug again. “Not really. I don’t know, it—it sort of hurt?”

“The feelings hurt?” A surge of traffic-cone orange.

“I mean, not hurt hurt.” I squirm a bit on the couch, the heat lamp of her worry making me sweat. “Just, like, it didn’t feel right in my body.”

“You’ve experienced that before, correct?”

“Yeah, I guess, but this was just—it was just way more intense.” I avoid looking at Dr. Bright because I can tell she’s doing that thing where she just stares at me in silence until I start talking more. But I can’t keep talking. I don’t know what to say.

I don’t know how to describe what it was like. I don’t know how to explain the feeling of being squeezed into a space that’s too small while at the same time being pushed apart by everything that’s being poured into your body. I don’t know how to tell anyone what it’s like to be in the middle of trying to figure out your own feelings when all of a sudden, something you don’t recognize invades every corner of you and starts tossing your stuff out to make room for their own.

It’s having a stranger take you over except it’s not a stranger, because you recognize pieces of it, you’ve felt this all before, except this isn’t like that because it’s not yours, it’s theirs, and now you’re stuck with a funhouse-mirror version of yourself living inside of you.

How the fuck am I supposed to explain that?

So I don’t. I explain something else instead.

“Okay, maybe it wasn’t more intense this time, maybe it’s just that … I guess I thought I was doing better.” I had meant to deflect but now there’s something else bubbling up. “I thought I was, you know, regulating shit better, and I guess I’m not because this totally dragged me under and there was nothing I could do. I hate that, I hate feeling powerless and like I’m gonna fuck up and not even know it—not even have a say in what I’m doing. And I hadn’t felt like that in a little while and, yeah, I knew that going to the dance might be risky but I like Caitlin, even when I don’t totally like her feelings, but I just wish—”

I snap my mouth shut, only just realizing what I was about to say. Dr. Bright’s curiosity is dancing toward me again, but it’s shoved aside while I deal with my own surprise and confusion.

“You wish what, Caleb?” she probes.