Thus, although it might well be true that 19 per cent of twelve-year-olds could not read, the shock involved in this brute fact could be mitigated, perhaps, by discovering a statistic that revealed that they had far fewer dental fillings than was the case, say, thirty years ago, before the age of fluoridation. This statistic could then be fed to the press to gain immediate time. Later, a further statistic, to the effect that the ability of the age group in question to use a computer had improved considerably. The fact that most twelve-year-olds used computers exclusively to play shoot-’em-up games might not even be raised at all, and, if it was, public attention may well have shifted anyway.

‘You’d better get down here this instant,’ said Stuart’s boss. ‘The journalists are braying like dogs, and the Heid Bummer is wanting some good figures pronto, if not prontissimo.’ This was the way senior civil servants spoke; the Heid Bummer, also known affectionately as the High Heid Yin, was the First Minister of Scotland, a popular politician known for his nimble footwork. If he was distressed to find that almost one fifth of Scottish children were illiterate, then his distress would be taken very seriously by the civil servants who surrounded him. What they really needed to find, of course, was a statistic that revealed that in England even more than one fifth of twelve-year-olds could not read; that would take the heat off and provide considerable political satisfaction. But this did not appear to be the case: twelve-year-olds in England, it appeared, all had their noses buried in Joyce, Beckett and Gerard Manley Hopkins.

‘The government’s sunk,’ said Stuart’s boss. ‘Our only hope is that the general population will be too illiterate to read this report anyway. But get here right now, Stuart, and see what you can do.’

It was in the face of this call that Stuart quite forgot that he was due to take Bertie into school. So when Bertie went into the kitchen, there was no sign of his father. His mother, he knew, was asleep, and he did not want to wake her up. Irene valued her long lie-ins, and Bertie felt that it would not be helpful to disturb her. So he made his own breakfast, put the dirty plate in the dishwasher, and wrote a note to be left on the kitchen table.

Dear Mummy,

Daddy has gone to the office. I think he has forgotten that he was going to take me to school. So I’ll go by myself – I promise you I won’t cross the road except with the green man. I’ll take Ulysses too as it’s my turn for Show and Tell and Miss Maclaren Hope will be really pleased to see him. She can sing him a Gaelic lullaby if he gets tired and starts to girn.

Lots of love, Bertie.

38. Show and Tell