‘It’s true,’ Olive continued sotto voce. ‘Have you seen him when he comes to collect Tofu at the school gate? The only reason why Tofu’s still alive is that he steals so many sandwiches at school. Otherwise he’d be just like his dad. Just about dead.’

‘My mummy says that Tofu’s dad is fine,’ pointed out Bertie. ‘She said he’s very healthy.’

Olive looked pityingly at Bertie. ‘You shouldn’t believe what adults say, Bertie. I’m surprised that you don’t know that already. Most adults lie. It’s a well-known fact.’

This conversation had been cut short by Miss Maclaren Hope. ‘This is very interesting, Tofu. Old motorcycles are intricate pieces of machinery and this wheel shows us just how beautifully they were made. It’s very heavy, though, so do be careful when you roll it about. And what does this tell us, boys and girls?’

‘You need two of them,’ said Hiawatha. ‘One’s no good.’

‘Indeed,’ said Miss Maclaren Hope. ‘That is undoubtedly true. Motorcycles have two wheels and cars have … How many wheels do cars have, boys and girls?’

So the session continued. And now it was Bertie’s turn, and he was having difficulty in thinking of what he could bring to Show and Tell. Tofu’s wheel had been a great success, as had the crystal radio. Bertie’s problem was that he felt that there was nothing of interest in his house. There were no machines and the books, which mostly belonged to his mother, were mainly by Melanie Klein. Bertie did not want to bring any of those in. Nor did he feel that he could bring in his contraband Scouting for Boys by Baden-Powell. That book was too precious, and he feared that it might be confiscated on the grounds that it advocated the carrying of knives. So what was there left to bring?

Then it occurred to him. Ulysses. He could bring his baby brother. Why not? There was lot that could be said about Ulysses.

37. Political Crisis

Untoward incidents are often the result of a series of misunderstandings. In this case, the first misunderstanding arose out of a remark that Bertie dropped into a conversation with his mother while he was accompanying her along Cumberland Street on a walk to Stockbridge. Would it be possible, he asked, for him to take Ulysses to school one day to show him to everybody there? Irene, who was conducting a conversation on her mobile phone at the time – she was talking to the organiser of Bertie’s yoga classes – only listened to Bertie with half an ear, if that, and replied that of course it would be all right. Ulysses always travelled with her on the 23 bus when she went to collect Bertie in the afternoon, and she assumed that Bertie had in mind her arriving slightly early and taking the baby in to be introduced.