We pulled out the bed and made it. Undressed. He turned me on my front. Lay down on my back and came to rest. His wavy hair falling around my face was like the mane of the horse in the byre.

I don’t want to have to share you with anyone. Not with bror or with that father of yours. Father is dead I said. I was at his grave today. 93

So maybe he’s dead but also alive. I scared you that morning in the bestroom but it wasn’t me but him who frightened you. Name someone he didn’t terrify I said. Even the pigs were frightened.

The pigs could both bite and butt. Even a stun gun didn’t always knock them out. The pigs could sense blood. And when they had tasted blood they had to bite and bite. Not to eat. Only to kill. Even so they never bit father.

John’s body felt safe and warm but when I tried to recreate the event I realised that it hadn’t been the memory of father that had frightened me. He had been a devil but in the icecold bestroom it wasn’t father who grabbed my arms and shook me.

And what if I don’t want to be anyone’s I said.

He rolled over on his side. Stroked my hair away from my face. Then you’re as free as the raven.

I fell asleep slept all night and woke feeling new. Got out of bed no bother. Dressed. Scooped water to drink from the bucket and walked straight into the bestroom ignoring the squeaking door and creaking floorboards. Pulled the sheet off the painting and saw something I hadn’t counted on having to face again.

It was a seaside scene. A child walked out into the water. Big waves struck her body. The sky was unruly. A pile of broken wood on the beach that might be the remains of an old wooden rowing boat was sharply outlined. Because that caught my eye at first I didn’t take in what was happening further away.

We were on the beach together bror and I and father. An uncommon sunday with sun and a picnic basket. We were six perhaps seven years old only just able to swim but anyway the bay was shallow and the sea calm. Hardly a ripple as father said. You’re allowed to go out a bit. 94

We ate from mother’s packed lunch. Sandwiches and squash in a plastic bottle with a snapon lid.

Father had brought his own plastic bottle with a snapon lid.

He bundled up a towel to make a pillow for himself and slept. Bror and I built a sandcastle. Carved out canals with bits of bark then made the bark into boats that sailed around in the castle moat.