We didn’t speak again until we stopped at the house. It wasn’t an awkward silence. But dense. Angelika didn’t come with me. Asked if it was allright if she got on her way. Fussed with her list. An individual’s death throes didn’t fit into the schedule.

I hurried along to the house and stepped inside without taking my shoes off.

Katarina I said. What’s up. No answer. I felt for her pulse the way the nurse had shown me. Her heart was beating. 77

I made a cup of coffee and went to sit by her bed. Angelika had just changed her nappy. I probed it just in case. It was already wet. I took it off and washed her. Turned her over on her back. She slept. Her breathing was more laboured than usual. She was having a bad day.

The hours went by. The nurse came and left again after upping the dose of morphine. Lifted the blanket to check katarina’s feet. Thin blue lines were flaring up towards her ankles. I had forgotten how small her feet were. Remembered her differently because everything on katarina’s body was bigger than on mine. Her breasts and bottom in particular. Show us your tits they were calling outside the girls’ changing room and it wasn’t me they wanted to see. My bosoms were tiny bulges. Like knots on a plank as mother used to say.

Ring me if her feet get bluer than that said the nurse who was either carina or possibly monika. Caronika.

The afternoon passed and became evening. I made a cup of tea and found butter and a couple of slices of ryvita to eat. Every hour I turned her. Every second hour I checked her feet without actually knowing why.

I might have fallen asleep when I felt a hand touching mine. Jana wake up. Hey stop sleeping now I’m awake. She had managed to turn on her side by herself.

Did you just come she said. I asked her to fetch you. The one with the tattoos. That carpediem person.

Angelika I said. Yes I think that’s her name katarina said. Just imagine that the last words you read before you die are carpe diem.

We even laughed. Then we fell silent while waiting for strength.

Is it time now I asked.

She nodded. 78

How can you be sure.

You just know. I can see things now that I couldn’t before. Like my son the way he was just before he died. But maybe you didn’t know I had a child. He had leukaemia. Died the day he was six.

I didn’t know I said. Who was his dad. Who do you think she said and her eyes closed for a moment. I tried to work it out but my thoughts got muddled.

When you disappeared I began as soon as her gaze returned to nearvision.