No I said. I’ve had it with your paintings. For now. It must wait. What happened when you got to speak to her.

I figured that the only way to tempt her to talk to me was to bring some of my paintings to the gallery. If she thought they made sense as artwork she might talk to me. If she thought they were rubbish I’d have to think again.

But she took the bait.

She did. Called me the next day. What did she sound like.

Like you. I thought it was you at first.

Have you met her. Yes I have. A while ago. She wanted to see my entire collection.

What does she look like.

Like you. Except for her eyes.

And her eyes are like yours.

Yes they are.

Was she nice to be with.

Not especially. A little like you. Withdrawn. Curt. At least not jolly. Impatient.

Like petra I said. Yes rather like petra.

When we finished talking about diana we had agreed that I should write her a letter for him to give to her. We could have gone on to other things but that was that.

I have learned more about maria I said. Like her parents didn’t die in an accident.

Not really he said. Does it matter. 203

Yes of course it does I said and got up from the floor. My legs had gone to sleep. You lie about everything to do with maria. Why can’t you just tell it the way it was.

Because I can’t.

How do you mean you can’t. That I can’t remember. I try to remember but can’t.

But you must remember it was you who crashed into the milklorry. Not maria’s family.

Yes. But something happened to my brain after the crash.

Like what. We’ll talk about it some other time he said. It’s complicated.

He got up turned the light off and went downstairs. Picked up the jacket he had left on a chair in the kitchen. Stood still deep in thought.

I don’t trust myself he said. After that scene in the bestroom I blamed that father of yours at first. You had snuck in to have a look at the paintings that was all. But it wasn’t your father’s ghost who terrified you. It was me. I grabbed your arms. Shook you. Wanted to hurt. If you hadn’t peed yourself I would’ve carried on.

I know you would I said. I knew how violence works. So now what I asked.

The gap between us yawned. Should we pretend that nothing has happened and carry on with our lives as before. I suppose so he said. I’m sorry jana.