In Endland (sic) at this time there was a dire and miserable gameshow called QUIZOOLA! that by law was forced to played on TV each Sat nite at 7.30 til midnight on every channel and repeated on Tuesdays. Everyone reckoned that to win on this piece of shit programme was better than being King or being in MENSA or like being Albert Schweitzer. QUIZOOLA! went the catch phrase. YOU BETCHA! went the audience and the whole thing was a degrading spectacle whereby knowledge itself was rendered to be mere information and every human capacity and imagination were redrawn as stunted and thwarted lies.

Anyway. Porridge and Spatula decided to solve their contest over Naomi by going onto QUIZOOLA! and playing to the death. When word of this reached Helen and others of the older crowd of Gods they were dismayed for of cause it was against the rules of the Immortals to compete in a human game show. Apollo 12 summoned the warring twins to his side and told them off, asking them to abandon the dispute but both men refused.

Come the day Spatula and Porridge both had a lot to drink in the pre-show VIP lounge and argued a lot, throwing jibes at each other and some other celebs. On screen and sat behind tawdry podiums the regular captains Fred and Rosie West introduced their guests/team-mates Porridge and a pale girl called Leah Betts on Fred’s team and Spatula playing for Rosie alongside Joe Haldeman, a minor and allegedly corrupt govt official from the Nixon era.

Spatula and Porridge both looked very much the worse for wear and from the outset it certainly seemed they were determined to outdo each other in bringing heaven and godliness into general disrepute with the studio audience. At many of their jokes and lewd comments Naomi (who had showed up specially for the filming in a nice frock) had to look away and of the questions they answered most of the time they were wrong.

Spatula did not know who had invented invisible barbed wire, or what was the capital city of Spain. Porridge did not know how many letters there are in a alphabet or even the name of the first Black Pope. By the interval all crowd was laughing at them and Naomi was covered in shame.

As the TV played commercials for Baby Sham (fake kids) Porridge and Spatula threw water and then crisps at each other in full view of the audience and a scuffle emerged. Lucozade (who was king of the gods at this time) took offence at this and finally decided to intervene, appearing in the studio like a flesh of lightening and causing an immense silence so great you could even hear the spiders spinning their webs.