Round 1am they got a call abt the stabbing of Frank. The lead cop jumped in his car and they all roared off. Frank was long dead when they arrived and ther sirens were blaring.

Arse on Earth

Arse on Earth

One of the Gods whose name shall be nameless and who is not known for his feministic point of view takes several lovers – one called Mouth whose job it is to suck him off, one called Arse whose rectum is his one source of enjoyment in her body, another called Titties and still another called Legs and so on and so forth.

After a while the other Gods get right fed up with this bloke and his bad behavioural total retrograde attitude and they threaten to ban him from the All Olympian Playing Fields wherein they roam.

Of course this does no good. The days and nights pass with an orgy of handwringing while the naughty (errant) god takes even more lovers named after body-parts and his continual fracturisation of the female-type corpus creates an oppressive atmosphere for everyone (blah blah blah). IFOR get called in, for all that ever achieves.

Anyway. Quite independent of the so-called ‘moral issue’ © Arse decides to run away. She is fed up with the treatment meated out to her by the nameless god – she has other orifices after all and ‘needs’ and ‘desires’ just like the rest of ‘us’ – and she descends to earth in the guise of an ordinary woman, determined to forge a new ‘life’ there.

This story is the tale of her adventures. Of what she found on earth and what she liked about it. Of her pleasures and perils and, sadly, how in the end she contrived to answer the question:

WHY MODERN LIFE IS RUBBISH?

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Arse came down to Derby in North Endland (sic). It was winter and the govt was organising a cull of many pigeons in the city. All the way round it men in gas masks were squirting that yellow gas into the bare trees where pigeons had gathered and then (as the dumb dead pigeons fell) they were clearing them all up and making big bonfires, spurred on by union negotiated overtime, bloodlust and kerosene.

Enough already.

Arse put her name down for a council flat and soon she got a job in a local Cash & Carry that mainly sold knock-down bargain basement pornography at bulk-only prices. She had no friends to speak of and knew little of the ways of earth. If you looked at her in the street she might have looked like a case of care in the community or like someone who has lost something but who has forgotten what it is that they have lost.

What seemed strange about Earth? The colours – brighter than she expected. The many many sounds – somehow louder and more varied. The sound of someone laughing in the road outside.

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