In no uncertain terms he banished Porridge and Spatula from Heaven forever and told them off for using ‘strong language’. The audience clapped and the host of QUIZOOLA! (some vermin bloke called Dick Turpin) thanked Lucozade for all his help and inspiration. “Never, in the whole history of 100 years of crap on TV have we had such troublesome contestant as them 2” he sed.

Banished in the night, slung out the loading bay doors of Sheperton Studios and bumping into a huge skip full of rubbish Spatula and Porridge wept their first real ‘tears of regret’ © and the stars and satellites looked down and gave no pity, as was to be expected in those days.

Before long of walking through the city at nite Porridge and Spatula were set upon by merciless thieves who stole what little money, clothes and credit cards they had. “Stay your hand for we are gods” sed Porridge who was starting to sober up a bit but the robbers couldn’t give a fuck if they were alierns from out of space or if they wore their underpants on top of their trousers or anything. “Shut up Fart Breath” sed the robbers and “Avast Landlubbers” and “Chemical Cosh” and many other slogans of the day.

Shivering naked and with only each other to keep warm people yelled offensive and derogatory statements of the time at them calling out that Porridge and Spatula looked like a couple of queer bastards going to a bent kind of party, and laughing hahaha at how they were holding hands with each other and sobbing. Anyway. The 2 gods soon realised they had to put their trouble and all disputes behind them etc if they were going to survive in the cold heartless exile of real earth.

Of how they stole clothes from washing lines to dress themselves in, of how they begged yen and Polish coins in the subway and how they slept in a gutter and a car-park little need to be said here. And of how one night later they curled up inside the big big letters of a red neon sign to hide and shelter from the thick-falling snow not much need be said here either except to note that the sign bore the slogan:

JONESTOWN WHISKY: THE TASTE OF HEAVEN ON EARTH

which was ironic.

Suffice it to say that Porridge and Spatula did not die and they were lucky not to and that not being dead was their main achievement in all of three (3) months that passed from that date on following their terrible appearance on QUIZOOLA!

Let us now twist this narration to another of its subjects.