When the goddess Helen and the god Apollo 12 gave birth to sons it was the talk of Heaven and the naming day for the twins (Porridge and Spatula) was a party that most would not easily forget and some would not easily remember. Wine poured out of the wine boxes like it had no end point and everyone laughed out loud and wore those necklaces filled with luminous yellow fluid what men sell on bonfirenight.

Towards the end of day when the babes were asleep and all older gods dozy with ‘medicine’ the younger Gods like Herpes and Vesuvius were fighting and dancing. The young Goddess Anastasia and a few others had opened their luminous bracelets and were flicking the fluid down thru the sky onto earth like a bright yellow rain. All over the world people were looking up and looking around – they knew that something wild must be happening in Heaven.

Now, upon the earth at this time there was living a very pretty girl called Naomi and as Porridge and Spatula grew up they both fell in love with her and made no secret of it – visiting earth and telling her so, sending flowers and fancy chocolates etc. In all aspects Porridge and Spatula were inseparable and friends – and together they loved to go joy riding, flying stunt kites and to funerals. But as time trickled on ther rivalry over love of Naomi grew too great and they fell out, the one calling the other a complete lying cunt and the other vowing never to speak to that dickhead again.

Of course other Gods – Scalectrix, Fudge-Packer, Chandelier and Rent Boy – all tried to reason with the twins saying it was not Godly to fall out over a woman thus and to ‘get things in proportion’ – all to no avail. Only when Porridge and Spatula had a big fight in a Yates’ Wine Lodge causing £100s worth of damage did their mother Helen intervene.

At her suggestion the twins agreed to stage a contest and that the winner of their contest would be free to woo Naomi while the loser of it would have to fuck right off out of the way and keep his bloody oar out. The principle of this she agreed with the boys and left it to them to sort out what the ‘exacting nature’ © of the contest should be. In this detail did the troubles truly begin.