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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

Now, here we are, sitting on the beach, the sea at our feet. I know now that the happiness – that thirteenth-birthday-cake happiness – didn’t go away. It’s always been there, like when you can see that the sun is shining, but you can’t feel it on your cheek. I can feel it now – I’m happy. Not just when I’m with Poppy, but on the bus to school with Adara and at night, when I’m on the edge of sleep and I can feel myself tipping. It’s just there – all the time – and whatever happens next year, I hope we remember this night, that we never, ever forget it. Even when we’re forty and all of this feels so very far away. I hope we remember that inside, we will always be the people we are tonight.

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A few minutes ago, I was freezing, the tip of my nose sore from the sharp breeze coming off the sea. Now I’m burning up, my cheeks hot and my heart flickering red, like a neon VACANCY sign that I’m sure Poppy can see, even through my hoodie.

Now I’ve told my mother about her, I know what it’s like to be a normal couple, to just sit and talk without worrying who’ll see. We’re making lists of all the things we want to do next year. I let her go first, on and on until she runs out of breath. Then it’s my turn and it tumbles out of me. I don’t know whether I’m high on the promise of the New Year or the nearness of her, but I can’t say it quickly enough, the words getting on top of one another in my effort to get them out. Brighton Pride. Downstairs at Twin Pines. The Photomatic booth at Snooper’s Paradise. I don’t hold back and when I’m done, I don’t know whether I’ve told her all the things I want to do next year or made a list of all the places I want to kiss her.

We’re spent and settle into a silence I feel no urgency to fill. I can see our breath and remember that there’s talk of snow. I feel a tickle of joy at the thought of Poppy in red mittens, snowflakes melting in her hair. I know it’s cheesy, but I want that. Normal stuff. Snow angels and hot chocolate and selfies in matching scarves. Stuff from movie montages when the couple are falling in love but they don’t know it yet.

Except we do.

Or I do.

I just haven’t told her.