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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

She looks appalled.

This isn’t how I thought this conversation would go at all.

Why didn’t I write down what I wanted to say?

‘I mean.’ I try again. ‘She has a good heart, Mama. She’s a member of Greenpeace.’

That does nothing for her, clearly. ‘OK.’

‘And I like her.’ I finally tell her the only thing that matters. ‘Really like her.’

It works, because she softens. ‘I know you do. You wouldn’t be telling me about her if you didn’t.’

She leans towards me again and when she reaches over to cup my face with her hand, stroking my cheek with her thumb, I wonder what she’s thinking. If she’s asking herself what happened to her little girl, the little girl who always made her dance with her at weddings and insisted that they call her little sister ‘Toast’ when she was born. Or if she’s thinking about how hard my life’s going to be now. How that isn’t what she wanted for me.

She gives my cheek one last stroke and lets her hand drop back to her knee. ‘Do you love her?’

I don’t hesitate. ‘Yes.’

I can’t believe I told my mother that before I told Poppy.

She goes quiet again and I’m shaking, ready to melt, like that iceberg at the Tate Modern as I wait for her to say whatever she’s going to say next. Whether she’s going to tell me that it’s OK, that she loves me. Or if she’s repulsed at the reality of her daughter being in love with another girl.

My hands fist in Rosh’s Christmas blanket as I wait, watching her absorb everything I’ve just told her. For a terrible moment, I don’t think that she’s going to say anything at all, like when I came out to her, that she’s just going to thank me for telling her, then go to bed. But then she lifts her chin to meet my gaze.

‘Can she clap roti?’ she asks, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

The relief makes me so light-headed that it’s a moment or two before I can speak.

‘I doubt it.’ I laugh, swatting a tear away with my fingers.

She arches an eyebrow at me. ‘Not that smart then, is she?’

I laugh again, wiping my cheek with the back of my hand.

She leans forward to kiss me on the forehead. When she sits back she reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ears. ‘Let’s tell Daddy and Rosh in the New Year, OK? We’ll have Poppy over for dinner.’

I’m trying so hard not to dissolve into tears that I can only nod.

‘Although, what I’m going to cook a vegan, I don’t know.’

Ten

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TEN