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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

But never regret something you once wanted.

Because if you let it, like Dev says, it will grow and grow until there’s no room for anything else.

For anyone else.

There’s a difference between those people and the ones who love you, even if you question it because they don’t say it in the way you need to hear it. Not everyone knows how to say I love you so learn to hear the different ways they tell you. They say it all the time. Even if it’s just, ‘Don’t forget your gloves’ or, ‘Have you eaten anything today?’

Make sure you’re listening.

It’s OK to take the songs you skip off your playlist.

It’s OK not to finish the book if it feels like a closed door, not a window.

It’s OK not to get married, if you don’t want to.

It’s OK not to have kids, if you don’t want them.

It’s OK not to know all of this yet.

‘What are you thinking?’ Poppy asks and I almost laugh because what do I even begin to say that?

In the end, I don’t have to think about it, all of it shuffling out of the way until I am left with a single, ringing thought. ‘I feel like I’ve loved you for a really long time, but it still isn’t enough.’

That’s another thing I’ve learned: if you love someone, tell them.

If you already have, tell them again.

Poppy presses her cheek to mine. ‘I almost want to die now so that’s the last thing I ever hear.’

Twenty-Seven

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TWENTY-SEVEN

We sit there for a while, her head on my shoulder as we look out at the big black sea and play each other songs on her phone until the battery dies. She skips ‘Born to Die’ by Lana Del Rey, for obvious reasons, but plays me that Death Cab for Cutie song I listened to on the bus home after our first date – the one about following someone into the dark – and it’s like hearing it for the first time all over again as I hold her closer.

For a moment, I think she’s falling asleep. I wouldn’t blame her if she was, she must be exhausted, but then she turns to me and smiles, all loose and a bit groggy, and I know exactly what she’s thinking, because I’m thinking the same thing.

We made it.

We get one more day.

She sits up suddenly. So suddenly that it makes me jump.

‘Let’s go for a swim,’ she says, her eyes bright, bright blue again.