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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

I know that I was hit by that car outside the mini-mart.

She nods and when the corners of her mouth curl up into a sad smile, it feels like I’m falling – falling and falling – even though I’m sitting perfectly still. I put my head in my hands, as though I am unable to support the weight of it any longer, and sit there until it passes.

When it does, I lift my head and Esen’s still watching me, still smiling sadly.

‘I’m dead, aren’t I?’ I say at last, but it isn’t a question.

When she nods again, I feel like I should be crying, but nothing is coming out.

‘It’s not all bad, though.’ She smirks. ‘You get to spend eternity with me.’

Five

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FIVE

I go back to the bookshop with Esen because I honestly don’t know where else to go.

‘The wanderer returns,’ she announces as we walk through the door.

Dev presses her hands to her chest. ‘Thank God. I was so worried.’

Esen strolls over to the counter where Deborah is writing something in a notebook. ‘I want it noted for the record that it was me that got her back.’ She taps the notebook with her finger. ‘Not Dev. Me.’

Deborah doesn’t look up. ‘Would you like a cookie, Miss Budak?’

‘Yes, please.’ She turns away with a flourish, curls swinging as she unbuttons her coat and throws herself on to the sofa I woke up on earlier. ‘A big one. Preferably, chocolate chip.’

Dev walks over to where I’m standing, her forehead crinkled with concern. I can tell that she wants to touch me – perhaps put her hand on my shoulder – but thinks better of it. ‘How are you feeling, Ash?’

I shrug, hands in the pockets of my leather jacket. ‘Fine.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘She’s fine.’ Esen waves her hand, then tilts her head from side to side. ‘I mean, she’s not fine fine, but she’s doing way better than you did.’ She chuckles, looking over her shoulder at Deborah. ‘Remember?’

She continues writing in the notebook, clearly trying not to reciprocate. ‘I do, Miss Budak.’

Esen looks back at me. ‘Dev was hysterical,’ she explains. ‘We had to lock her upstairs for a week.’

‘It wasn’t a week,’ Dev insists, all but stamping her foot. ‘It was more like three days!’

Esen scoffs at her, looking back at the counter.

‘Ladies, please.’ Deborah takes her glasses off and pinches the bridge of her nose. When she puts them back on, she looks between Dev and Esen. ‘If I could still get headaches, you two would be giving me one right now.’

Dev crosses her arms with a huff. ‘I’m just saying, it wasn’t a week. Esen is exaggerating, isn’t she?’

‘Fine.’ Deborah looks back down at the notebook. ‘It was five days.’