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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

I’m so tired, I’m weak with it – the few paces to the door to turn off the light suddenly so far that I consider leaving it on. I probably should – I certainly don’t feel safe enough here to be alone in the dark – but it’s too bright and my head is fizzing. Question after question after question until it’s nothing but white noise.

Maybe being still for a while will help.

The bed is more comfortable than it looks so I take off my leather jacket and DMs and lie on top of the duvet, waiting for sleep to pull me under. I feel the tug of it – starting at my toes – threatening to swallow me up, and for a moment I let myself believe that if I give into it, when I wake up I’ll be back in my own bed, swaddled in my duvet with my back against the radiator and all of this will have been a ghastly fever dream.

But I don’t sleep, I lie there, aware of Deborah and Dev’s gentle chatter somewhere beneath me. Eventually, the bell over the door rings and I close my eyes, hoping it’s Poppy coming to find me. But it can’t be because no one knows that I’m still here, do they?

Not even her.

I picture her in her pretty pink room on the third floor of her parents’ big house, waiting for my WhatsApp. She’ll know. She’ll know something is wrong because I always message her when I get in. Maybe she’ll tell herself that my battery died, as she lies there, looking up at the high white ceiling. Or that my mother took my phone as punishment for sneaking out. But she’ll know. I wonder how she’ll find out. I’m the only one who has her number so Adara will have to tell her. Send her a message on Facebook, asking Poppy to call her.

Just imagine. They’ve never met and that’s the first conversation they’ll have.

How fucked up is that?

Six

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SIX

I don’t know how long I lie there, the room getting darker and darker until I can no longer see the crack across the ceiling. I’m aware of the door opening every so often then closing when I don’t stir, grateful that whoever it is – Dev, probably – takes the hint and leaves me alone. I guess she’s had enough of me ignoring her, because the door finally swings open and the light comes on.

‘You OK?’ she asks, hovering in the doorway with a mug.

‘Not really,’ I mutter, forcing myself to sit cross-legged on the bed.

She walks over and gestures at the edge. I nod, grateful that she asked first.

She puts the mug on the bedside table and sits in front of me. ‘Did you manage to get any sleep?’

I shake my head.