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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

‘Because it’s easier.’ Dev looks down at the pebble in her hand. ‘It’s easier not to feel anything, to give into it. Let go of it all and just see this as a job. All you have to do is take them to the beach. That’s it. It’s not your problem after that, is it? It doesn’t matter what happens to them, who they’re leaving behind or where they’re going, because you’ll never know and I get that.’ She nods to herself, still looking down at the pebble. ‘I get why that’s easier, but eternity is a long time if all you’re doing is sitting around the bookshop, waiting for someone to die.’

She throws it and I watch as it arcs up and then down, waiting to hear the plop.

‘What else is there, though?’

‘There’s this.’ Dev’s gaze drifts back to the party. ‘You won’t feel things like you used to. Like, your palms won’t sweat and your heart won’t race when you see someone you used to love, but you’ll remember how it feels.’ She fusses over her fringe with her fingers. ‘You’ll still feel that same attachment to them, that need to be near them, to protect them, you know? That need to say something stupid to make them laugh.’

I think of Poppy and wait for the ache, but it doesn’t come.

‘Don’t get me wrong,’ Dev adds. ‘Being dead is great. I’m not scared of anything any more. What’s the worst that can happen? I’m already dead. So all that stuff I used to be scared of – all the petty stuff I was self-conscious of, like whether I’m pretty enough or clever enough or funny enough – I don’t care about that any more. I care about now. About this moment. Because if I don’t . . .’ She stops to lick her lips, her smile noticeably duller, like the underside of a leaf. ‘Just be careful, OK?’ she warns, picking up another pebble and curling her fingers around it, her knuckles even paler as she squeezes it. ‘I know you’re mad that it was you this year and you’re right to be. It’s not fair. But if you let it, that feeling – that bitterness – will just grow and grow until there’s no room for anything else and you don’t want that. Then you really will be dead.’

Before I can ask her what she means, she gasps and points up at the sky. ‘Look!’

I look up as a shooting star streaks across the sky over our heads. A sharp thread of white against the black, black sky tipped with a pearl of light.

‘Make a wish, Ash!’

When I see that the trail is already disappearing, panic distils everything to a single thought.

Poppy.

I want to see Poppy again.

Eight

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EIGHT