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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

I hear Esen and Dev shouting my name, but I don’t look back. I get caught up in the mess of people leaving the Dome. Whatever was on must have just kicked out because there are people everywhere, going in every different direction, back towards the Old Steine and up towards the station. They’re all talking at once, stopping to pull on coats and gloves as I try to move around them. A bloke hits me in the face with his scarf, but doesn’t notice as he steers his mate to the pub across the road. ‘Excuse me,’ I say, but he doesn’t hear, too concerned with getting one last drink before closing.

This is taking too long.

I’m going to miss her.

I’m going to miss her.

I don’t think, just step into the road. There’s a cab coming so I jump back on to the pavement and wait for it to pass before running after it.

When I get to the corner, there she is, outside the Mash Tun, the light spilling out of the open door picking her out like a spotlight and oh God, it’s her. She’s there. She’s really there. I want to run to her, fist my hands in her coat and pull her to me, press my face into her neck and inhale her.

Poppy.

Her name is out of my mouth before I can stop myself, like a dog slipping its leash and running towards her. She turns her cheek towards me and this is it, the moment I’ve been waiting for. I know I don’t look like the same, but she’ll know it’s me, because it’s her and it’s me and she’ll know. So I wait. Wait for the shiver of recognition to cross her face, for her to cry and run to me, hold me so tight my feet leave the ground, but she just smiles and tips her chin at me.

When she turns away I feel a knock, like I’ve walked into the corner of a table, followed by a wobble. It’s as if there was a glass vase balancing on one of my ribs and now it’s falling, down, down.

It’s funny because I always thought she was the one who was left behind, but it was me, wasn’t it? She gets to move on, to laugh and go out with her friends. Drift on and on, unfazed, unaltered, unaware that I’m still here.

Then she’s gone and as I watch her go, hips swinging and hair ablaze, it feels like dying all over again.

Thirteen

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THIRTEEN