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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

‘Don’t let me fall asleep, OK?’ she tells me as she checks her phone, which is charging on one of the bedside tables, before throwing herself on to the bed with a long sigh. I sit on the edge, unlacing my DMs and toeing them off before lying next to her. She immediately curls into me, slinging her arm across my stomach.

‘Don’t let me fall asleep, OK?’ she says again. ‘I don’t want to miss anything.’

I nod.

‘Promise?’

I hear her breathing slow and when I realise that she’s falling asleep, I almost stop her. Almost nudge her awake, make her tell me everything. All her secrets, in case this is it and that’s the last thing we say to each other. But she sounds so content, the steady rise and fall of her chest almost enough to lull me to sleep as well (if I still could, of course) that I let her give into it. And while I’m loath to break my promise, she must need it, so I lie there as she falls asleep in my arms, counting each breath against my neck, then waiting for the next – one, two, three, four – as I look at the tall, wide windows and will the sun to come up.

Twenty-One

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TWENTY-ONE

Poppy wakes with a start then jumps back when she finds me lying next to her, our heads on the same pillow. We stare at one another for a moment, and again, I know I shouldn’t, but I feel unspeakably lucky because that’s another thing I never thought I’d know about her. The way she looks when she wakes up. Her heavy eyes and soft mouth, the fine creases on her cheek from the pillowcase, her hair a mess, but still perfect somehow. All of these secret things only a few people know about her. Now I’m one of them.

She blinks at me, clearly unsure if I’m really there or the lingering after-effect of the dream she was having. She reaches out, gingerly pressing her fingers to my lips and waits, as if expecting me to disappear as soon as she touches me. When I don’t, her whole face changes and I see her shudder as it all comes back to her. The cemetery. Me. Esen. Dev. Not wanting to die on that fucking bench.

Her shoulders sink and I sit up, unsure what to do. How to make it better. Do I reach out and clasp her shoulder? Pull her to me? Lie to her and tell her that everything is going to be OK.

Before I can do any of that, she slaps me on the arm. ‘You promised you wouldn’t let me fall asleep!’

For a moment, I think that she’s genuinely furious with me, but then she smiles.

‘Morning,’ she says, and I’ve never been so pleased to hear that word: morning.

‘Morning.’

We made it.