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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

‘Only a couple of times.’

When I was a kid.

When I was fearless.

Unbreakable.

My bones made of rubber, my heart a ball that always bounced back, no matter who I threw it to.

‘What are you scared of, then?’ she asks, her frown reappearing.

She doesn’t say it – You’re already dead – but as I turn my cheek to look out at the sea, I notice that it’s as still as bathwater now, the waves just a whisper against the shore, so there’s nothing to be scared of, is there?

But then I realise that it’s not me I’m scared for.

It’s her.

‘You’re here, right?’ she says, squeezing my hand again. ‘Nothing’s going to happen to me.’

What if it does, though?

What if it does and I can’t save her?

‘We’ll be in and out, I promise, Ash.’

When I turn my cheek to look at her again, she’s smiling hopefully.

If this is what she wants to do, how can I say no?

Plus, I’m kind of curious to find out what the moon looks like from underneath as well.

‘OK,’ I hear myself say before I can stop myself, squeezing her hand.

She thanks me, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, then I let her lead me towards the shore. The pebbles must be cold, because she’s giggling and hopping from foot to foot. I’m aware of it, but it doesn’t bother me in the same way as I watch her, hair ablaze in the moonlight as she gets to the edge of the sea.

‘Ready?’ she asks.

But before I can tell her that I’m not, the sea reaches out to touch our bare toes. She squeals, holding my hand tighter as she goes to step into it. I don’t move, though, unable to look away from the horizon as I wonder what’s out there, beneath the surface. But then I see the red flashing lights of the wind farm – all 116 of them – and I look at her, wondering what my life would have been if I hadn’t met her. If I’d be at home right now, swaddled in my duvet, my back to the radiator as I silently mourn some girl who hasn’t messaged me back, the pain enough to break my bones, smash them to dust so the universe can reclaim them.

Turn them back into stars.

I might have never known that someone’s smile could set me alight like this.

That their hand in mine would be enough to fan the flames, enough to keep them alight for years.

Years and years.

So I nod and we step forward together.