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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

When I turn to look at her again, she looks embarrassed.

Actually embarrassed.

I know it’s at herself, not at me, but I still feel the urge to apologise.

‘Listen. I’m sorry,’ I say before she can continue. ‘You were right. I’m being selfish.’

‘You’re not being selfish.’ She shakes her head. ‘You want to be with Poppy and I get that.’

‘Yeah, but I shouldn’t have dragged you into it.’

‘You didn’t drag me into it. It was my idea to go to the cemetery, remember?’ She stops to shake her head again. ‘None of this is your fault, Ash. Besides, I’m not exactly backwards in coming forwards, am I? I could have said no at any point. It’s just . . .’ She presses her lips together and I tense, slipping my hands into the back pockets of my jeans as I realise that she’s trying to stop herself from saying something. She can’t ignore it, though, and lets out a frustrated sigh then spits it out. ‘You’re a pain in the ass, Ash, but I’ve got used to having you around.’

Oh.

I giggle with relief but she suddenly looks solemn again.

‘I don’t want anything to happen to you, Ash.’

I smile clumsily, startled by the rare moment of affection. ‘I don’t want anything to happen to me, either.’

‘That’s why I didn’t tell you.’

‘Tell me what, Esen?’

She won’t look at me and it feels like I’m back on the boat, the whole kitchen tipping back and forth.

She huffs out a sigh then says, ‘We’ve always been three.’

‘Who?’

‘It’s always been me, Dev and someone else.’

‘OK?’ I say, unsure where she’s going with this.

‘Before you there was a guy called Joseph.’

‘Yeah?’

‘But he left us on New Year’s Eve.’

‘OK.’ I frown as I remember the girl Dev introduced me to at the reaper party on New Year’s Day – what was her name? Danica? The one who told me that she reaps children with cancer. ‘What did he get promoted to? Reaping puppies that have been run over?’

‘He didn’t get promoted,’ Esen says, but she still won’t look at me. ‘He left.’

I’m frowning so hard it should be making my head hurt. ‘Left to go where?’

She hesitates and I want to reach for her and shake her.

‘I can’t. Deborah will kill me again if I tell you.’

I take a step towards her. ‘Tell me, Esen.’

My voice quivers as I say it and she must hear it as well because she finally looks at me.

‘You’re not supposed to know until New Year’s Eve.’

Just tell me, I want to yell, but nothing comes out as I stare at her.