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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

It’s my turn to think about it, and when I do, for the first time since I decided to intervene, I hesitate as I ask myself if Esen’s right, if it’s worth the risk. But then I look at her, standing in front of me, the January afternoon sunshine settling in her hair so I could count each strand of gold if I wanted to, and I can see it – I can’t actually see it – life, burning out of her, right through her clothes. It feels like New Year’s Eve, when we were sitting on the beach, our future rolling out from our feet like a red carpet, and this can’t be it.

It can’t be.

‘We can’t stop it,’ I tell her. ‘Maybe if I told Deborah straight away, but it’s too late now.’

‘No.’ She takes another step towards me, so close the toes of our boots are touching. ‘You’re not doing this, Ash. I’m not letting you do this. I’m not letting you get banished to purgatory for me.’

‘I told you, that will only happen if Deborah finds out and she won’t.’

‘But what if she does?’

‘Well, if she does, then she does.’ I shrug again. ‘It’s done. There’s nothing I can do about it now. We’re both beyond the looking glass. You know who – what – I am and you know what’s going to happen to you. You shouldn’t, I shouldn’t have told you, but I did, and now you know and I can’t take it back. And I don’t want to take it back because if I tell Deborah the truth, she’ll send you to Charon and that would mean that we wouldn’t have this.’

‘What?’

‘Us. Together again.’

‘Yeah, but what’s the point?’ She takes another step back, turning to toss her paper cup into the bin on the kerb next to her. ‘What’s the point of being together if we can’t stay together? It’s cruel.’

She won’t look at me but I can see how angry she is, her whole body tense and her cheeks burning.

Poppy turns and starts to walk away, but before I can follow, she stops and turns to face me again.

‘I’m scared, Ash,’ she says. ‘I’ve been trying to hold it together, but I don’t want to fucking die.’

‘I know.’ I charge towards her, closing the gap between us. ‘I know.’

When I reach for her hand, raising it so I can press my mouth to it, she lifts her heavy eyelids to look at me. ‘Ash, what are we going to do?’

‘Listen, Pop,’ I say softly. ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I do know this: I believe in this, in us.’

A tear tumbles down her cheek. ‘You do?’

‘I do.’