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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

But then she steps back and looks at me – her eyes are black now except for the finest line of blue around the edges. She licks her lips, then takes the towel out of my hand, tossing it in the sink before pulling me to her again. I didn’t think we could get any closer, but here she is, her chest pressed to mine, one hand on the small of my back, the fingers of the other curled around the back of my neck and I wait for it. Wait to feel what I did under the bridge the first time she kissed me. But it’s not the same. I can feel the heat of her mouth and the slow turn of her tongue, but it doesn’t set me alight like it did that night. Still, there’s something – a stir somewhere far, far away – and I think about what Dev said. About how we can’t feel these things any more, but we can still remember, if we let ourselves.

So I let myself remember how she held me under the bridge and I know this is different. And it’s different to how she kissed me goodbye on New Year’s Eve. Then, she kissed me like she knew there would be another – and another and another and another – but now she’s kissing me like she knows there might not be, like this is all we might get. So I let myself reach for her, cling to her and hope she knows that I have no intention of letting go, either.

Finally, she steps back, her whole body shivering. She brings her hands up to my face and looks at me – really looks at me – as though she is trying to relearn everything about me. The colour of my eyes. My nose ring. The mole on the bridge of my nose. I reach up and curl my fingers around her wrists, like she just did to me, so tightly that I can feel her pulse. It’s too fast and I should be concerned, but how can I be?

I did that to her.

I did that.

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We kiss and keep kissing until she goes limp in my arms, her head falling on to my shoulder.

‘Come on,’ she says into my neck, reaching for my hand and leading me out of the bathroom. When we stop at her bedroom door, I hesitate and she looks back at me with a groggy smile. ‘Don’t worry. I’m not going to jump on you. I just want to lie down for a minute before my parents get home. It’s been a long night.’

‘It’s not that. It’s just that grim reapers don’t sleep, do we?’

‘I don’t want to sleep. I just need to be still for a while.’

That’s probably a good idea, I think, letting her tug me into her big pink room.