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Chapters (86)
  1. Title Page
  2. CONTENTS
  3. Love
  4. Before
  5. One
  6. ONE
  7. Two
  8. TWO
  9. Three
  10. THREE
  11. Four
  12. FOUR
  13. Five
  14. FIVE
  15. Six
  16. SIX
  17. Seven
  18. SEVEN
  19. Eight
  20. EIGHT
  21. Nine
  22. NINE
  23. Ten
  24. TEN
  25. Eleven
  26. ELEVEN
  27. After
  28. One
  29. ONE
  30. Two
  31. TWO
  32. Three
  33. THREE
  34. Four
  35. FOUR
  36. Five
  37. FIVE
  38. Six
  39. SIX
  40. Seven
  41. SEVEN
  42. Eight
  43. EIGHT
  44. Nine
  45. NINE
  46. Ten
  47. TEN
  48. Eleven
  49. ELEVEN
  50. Twelve
  51. TWELVE
  52. Thirteen
  53. THIRTEEN
  54. Fourteen
  55. FOURTEEN
  56. Fifteen
  57. FIFTEEN
  58. Sixteen
  59. SIXTEEN
  60. Seventeen
  61. SEVENTEEN
  62. Eighteen
  63. EIGHTEEN
  64. Nineteen
  65. NINETEEN
  66. Twenty
  67. TWENTY
  68. Twenty-One
  69. TWENTY-ONE
  70. Twenty-Two
  71. TWENTY-TWO
  72. Twenty-Three
  73. TWENTY-THREE
  74. Twenty-Four
  75. TWENTY-FOUR
  76. Twenty-Five
  77. TWENTY-FIVE
  78. Twenty-Six
  79. TWENTY-SIX
  80. Twenty-Seven
  81. TWENTY-SEVEN
  82. Twenty-Eight
  83. TWENTY-EIGHT
  84. Eleven Months Later
  85. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
  86. Copyright

‘I mean, cost to you, Ash. If you told Deborah, you’d have to tell her that Poppy knows who, what, you are and she’d never let that go unpunished.’

‘I don’t care about that.’

‘Don’t.’ She uncrosses her arms, raising a finger to me. ‘Don’t even think about it.’

‘About what?’

‘You know exactly what.’ She waits for me to look at her and says, ‘You can’t.’

I lift my chin, meeting her gaze. ‘Can’t what, Esen?’

‘You can’t intervene, Ash.’

I press my lips together, thinking about all the ways it could happen. Poppy’s healthy – as far as we know, anyway – so it’s got to be something that’s going to happen to her. A drunk driver. Someone with a knife who doesn’t like the way she looks at him. Maybe, right now, somewhere in this huge, old house, a frayed wire is getting hotter and hotter, or a fuse is about to blow and the whole house will go up in flames. I can’t imagine just letting it happen.

Not trying to get her out.

Not reaching for her if she falls.

‘I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself,’ I admit.

When I look at Esen again, she’s nodding. ‘I know, but you’re gonna have to. If you don’t think you can, you have to stop seeing her, Ash.’

‘I don’t think I can stop that, either.’

‘Listen. I know you think I don’t get it, but I do.’ She presses her hand to her chest. ‘It’s not fair.’

I nod because she’s right, it’s not fair.

‘You and Poppy didn’t get to say goodbye to each other, did you? You didn’t get an ending, but now you do and, yeah. OK. Maybe it isn’t the one you wanted, but it’s better than the one you had, right?’

When I don’t agree, just turn to look at the pristine stove that has probably never been used, I hope that she’s going to leave it at that, but then she says, ‘You can’t change fate, Ash. Poppy will die when she dies. You can’t stop it. And yeah, that’s shit and not fair and everything else you’re feeling right now, but look at it this way – you’ll never disappoint her, will you? She’ll never get bored of you or cheat on you, break your heart so bad that you can’t bear to hear her name again. It will always be like this. You’ll always be as in love with each other as you are now.’

It doesn’t sound so bad when she says it like that.